Friday, January 20, 2012

Interview with a Dog: Part Two - "The Situation"

"My situation is complicated.”
After I saw the baby crib in his room, Shallow Hal started to come over to my place instead.  I guess he didn’t want me asking anything else huh?  But he didn’t have to do all that because I didn’t think too much more about it after that honestly.  I was getting attention and the d*ck I wanted so I was like whatever. 
“My situation is complicated.”
Even though I had let it go, Shallow Hal was saying this more and more now in our communication with each other.  But each time I would ask what the situation was, he would just say “Don’t worry about it” or “I don’t feel like getting into it.”
Ok muthafucca.
The less I know the better I always say.  So I didn’t push the issue or keep asking him about anything about that damn baby crib I saw.   I just decide to enjoy his company and leave it that.  I needed him for pleasure purposes and not stress anyway, and I wasn’t gonna stress myself over some other chick or his kid.  I was just going to enjoy my time, because in the back of my mind something was telling me that my days were numbered anyway.
“My situation is complicated.”
Here we go again.  He keeps saying this over the next week so, and I feel he is getting close to talking.  I ask.  He clams up.  At first I was interested in knowing, but after a couple times of this I’m starting not to give a f*ck.  I mean really.  Spill it damn it!  Quit coming to the diving board if you ain’t ready to jump yet.
So one Sunday he is at my crib and we are just chatting about whatever. 
“My situation is complicated.”  Now I can see the strain in his face when he says it.  
“What is so complicated?  You wanna tell me about it?” 
SH:  “No.”
Me:  “Ok then.”  I go back in the kitchen and continue dealing with my chicken tacos.
I bring the food in the living room, and then we chat about random stuff.  Then all of a sudden he asks me, “Have you wondered why I haven’t invited you to my house lately?”
Me: “Nah not really.”  And I hadn’t wondered about it.  It wasn’t like I had asked to go over there recently so why would I.
Still I could see something in his face.  He wanted to me to figure it out.  So I looked into his face and searched for the answer.  I thought about the baby crib again.  I thought about this 15 month old kid coming from his country and who the baby must have been coming here with.  I hadn’t even run that part through my mind yet.  Damn I’m dense sometimes.  Then I thought about why he said he had to go to New York every weekend to visit his girlfriend too.
Then it came to me.
“Is the girl in New York pregnant?”
(Silence.  Ok that answers the New York question.)
“Is your kid here from your country?”
“Is his mother here too?”
Again, in my mind’s eye I see that crib in his bedroom.
“Is she pregnant too?”
I just stared in disbelief.  Two women pregnant at the same time?  I start to do the math. 
“When is the girl in New York having her baby?”
“And when is the girl in your house having her baby?”

Oh well, so much for doing the math.  There was nothing to calculate here at all. 

“Are you serious?  Both these chicks are due in the same month?”

Shallow Hal just sat silent with this stupid look on his face.
But it probably wasn't more stupid looking than the expression on my face I bet. 

For a few seconds I was silent too.  I thought I could only hear this type of drama on The Maury Show, but never did I think I would have a dude in that kind of mess sitting right here in my damn living room! 
Am I dreaming?  This is a 43 year old man who has two chicks pregnant at the same time.  I know he said he wanted kids but dayum.  Why was he so reckless with it?  And then he went international lover with it too because one was in another country and the other one was here in the U.S.
Then to make matters worse, he is on an online dating site looking for more azz just three months ago.  (Insert my pic here)

Why me?  Arrgghhhhh!
But suprisingly I don’t get mad.  Honestly, I didn't feel mad or pissed.  I kept my cool and just wanted to understand how a man like him could get in this situation.   His explanation was that he sexed New York right before he went on vacation to his country to visit his kid.  (Funny though, he has been dating the chick three years and had a kid while kicking it with her and she didn't know shyt about it.) Then he got it in with Miss Caribbean before returning home.  Bam.  She's knocked up a second time.
SH:" Miss Caribbean called me up so happy.  Then a few days later New York tells me she is pregnant too."
Me:  “Dude, you gonna have to let me go then.”  I said as I gripped my pillow and looked down to the floor.
SH: “I understand if you don’t want to see me again.”
I had no response because I was still taking it all in.  He can't handle three women in two states and three babies.  I guess that six figure salary wasn't gonna be so wonderful after all this news. 

Eyes still fixated to the floor, I asked him again what was he gonna do.  He tells me that neither of the chicks knew about each other (of course).  One lives out on Long Island, and one lives in Jersey with him!  And their toddler.  He didn't know what to do or how to tell either one of them. 
Crazy.  Just crazy.  I ask a few more questions and get a little background. 

Miss Caribbean is 32 years old.  Doesn’t speak English.  Never worked or earned money.  Has some school beyond high school.  He got her here on a spouse visa in which by 90 days he is supposed to marry her so she can stay here.
“Damn she must be superfine for you to be doing all this for her!"

“Believe it or not she’s not that fine.  I am doing this for my kids, not for her.", he calmly said.

"So you getting married?”
"I ain’t getting married either.  I just feel some kind of loyalty to her because she is the mother of my first kid.  That's it."
“Does she think you’re gonna marry her though?”
“Of course she does.”
“Then how is she gonna stay in the U.S. if you don’t marry her?”
“As long as she is on a visa I don't give a f*ck, but I ain’t getting married.”
Wow what an azz.
Then his phone starts ringing.  It’s Miss Caribbean.  I don’t understand what he is saying because he is talking in his language.  When he hangs up he tells me that she was asking how to use the stove.   Apparently, in her country, she never saw a stove or used one before.  He said she is from the country.  Like so fuggin’ country that she sometimes had to take a bath outside and has no electricity when it turns dark outside.  She called because she wanted to cook and needed to know how to turn the stove on.
Say what?  Hold up. 
You are a six figure VP with a college degree.  And you’re with this gal?  And you say she is not that fine?  Then why in the world did you hook up with a chick like this and bring her here?
“Because I turned 40 and wanted kids really bad.  It was planned though.  I knew her already from years ago.”
Yeah right.  After some days I come to find out that story was some bullshyt.  He couldn't keep the lie straight.  “Planned” my azz.  Yeah he knew of her, and she graduated to becoming his vacation jumpoff the last few times he came to his country recently.  So it wasn’t no damn ‘planning’ with that shyt.   People kill me trying to make pregnancy accidents sound like some movie romance shyt.  He was f*cking her and just decided to splash off instead of pulling out.  That is about the extent of that so called ‘planning’.  He was having a moment about his desire to have kids and just rolled with this chick cuz she was there.   His desire to be a pappy clouded his common sense apparently.  Ok so you really want a kid, but why knock up an uneducated chick in another country?  Then you can’t even see the kid because you live here in the U.S.?  Huh?  And you trying to be a dad?  All of it makes ZERO sense.
Then he goes back and impregnates her a second time because he wanted two kids, not just one.
But now he will have three.  A bonus kid coming in the same month.
Now as for the chick in New York getting her pregnant was a mistake, if you wanna call it that.  He says he didn’t think she could get pregnant because he had been sexing her for years and she never got pregnant.  He didn’t think she could get pregnant.
But wait, there was this one time…when she miscarried.
Sigh.  Ok So why in the fck would you think she couldn’t get pregnant sir?  If she did get pregnant once before.  You sound like a 15 year old.  For real.
(As I type it's just too much to think about.  I’m gonna have to end this soon for today.  Whew.  )
I get a little background on New York.  She is 36 and is also from his country (hmmmm interesting).  She has been here for a few years and has her citizenship, can speak English, and can even work a stove.  He met her here in the U.S when she was waitressing at a restaurant.  She became his side chick when he was breaking up with his fiancee.  Then he goes on to say the chick in New York ain’t worked in six months because she has been throwing up every single day of her pregnancy.  Every single day.   Losing weight.  Can’t eat.  Can’t work.  No money.  No unemployment.  Wouldn’t  file for public assistance for whatever crazy reason she had on top of that.  So now he has TWO BROKE CHICKS to cover for?  One that can’t speak English or work, and the other that can’t work because she is sick with your baby inside of her.   
"So what are you gonna do?", I ask again.

He talks more and more.  And I sit there and listen to this crazy azz story while he is sitting on my couch, in his damn underwear.  Freshly f*cked.  By me.  Is this a dream?
Then my mind wanders.  How in the world is he gonna work full time, run over to New York to check in on sick Preggo #1, leave Preggo #2 at his house with a toddler alone and she fresh off the boat?  And try to keep me around too?  And when these babies come?  What is he gonna do then?  Better yet, what am I gonna do????????????????
He was right.  It was a situation.  A real f*cked up situation.   And by telling me about it I get sucked up in it.  NOTE TO SELF:  The less you know the better.  I f*cked up and forgot that critical rule.  It's like watching a reality show.  Once you start, you can't stop.
And the story didn't stop  there.  Days and weeks pass and I hear more and more about the madness, and I get more and more sucked in to the vortex.  And yet I was still in the picture.  Still f*cking him.

I guess I hung around because it was all too crazy and I wanted to see how the shyt was gonna work out too.  Did I have to screw him to find this out?  No.  But he is just so charming that I...I...gave in.

Through Facebook, a bracelet, and his cell phone his sharade would finally come to an end, and eventually the two chicks figure out that something wasn't right in Whoville.

But what was interesting is when New York figured it all out, what she did in my opinion,

was un-fuggin’-believable.
Ok I'm spent.  I'll come back to this later.  I need a drink.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Interview with a Dog: Intro

For two months I have been talking about writing this series, Interview with a Cock Sucker, but I just chickened out on the title.  What's a cock sucker anyways?   One internet dictionary said:

Cock sucker - "A low and despicable male."

Bingo.  Yeah that pretty much describes Shallow Hal in a nutshell.    

But still, my head wasn't quite in that space because I would have to be mad as hell to call him (or any man for that matter) a cock sucker.  Plus the word "cock"...COCK... just doesn't flow from my lips right anyway.   Now if I say "motherfucca"  that's different.  That flows more naturally for me because I can say that and still be sexy.   But I have gotten to know the brutha a little more and I think calling him a cock sucker now is a bit harsh.  So as dramatic and as juicy as that title might have been, I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it for now.  Now of course someone that starts to read this may think the title IS deserving, and I can dig it if they do.  That's cuz sometimes he is a cock sucker to others.  A muthafucca.  An awful womanizer.  He can be controlling, loud, and a big bully.   Is he all of these things to me?  Maybe not so much.  But to some of the women in his's crazy.

Anyhow, the title came to me last night when he said he was a dog.  Not in a bragging type of way though; it was said as simply and plainly as if he had told me his social security number.  Like he knew he had a problem and it wasn't a big deal.  Ok bruh.  Since you called it like that, I'll use your self-proclaimed title to name this series then.   So that means I didn't name him; he named himself.  And that's that.  

(rubs chin thinking)

He said he was a dog and didn't even blink.  Sooooo...why am I f*ckin' with him again

(rubs chin again.  pauses.)

To myself...."Is that a hair?  Didn't I pluck that just the other day?  Damn, I can't keep up with these muthafuccas!"

Anyway..why do I hang with Shallow Hal?  Because he's a charmer.  He's handsome.  Strong.  A foreign born man from the Caribbean who carved out a life here and is now a six figure executive.  And did I mention that he looks sooo hot in a suit?  I loooove men in suits!  He is generous and not a cheap azz.  Talkative, funny, and goal oriented.  Lived alone, never married, and told me he has two kids in his home country.   He said that they were ages 4 and 7. 

Anyway I already described our first meeting in the post Cock Blocker so I'm not gonna get into that again.   But I never did a scorecard on him though, so here it is: 

Overall, not too shabby on the scores except for the feet.  LOL.  He can't be boyfriend potential though because he is a career cheater, but I guess I kinda like him a little.  Well most of the time anyway. :/ Sometimes I really do dig him and his generosity; other times I can't believe how he is towards people.   I guess I kick it with him because he knows how to play the game when it comes to dealing with multiple women.  He pays attention to me, calls me, takes me out, and says sweet sugary things.  He knows how to make you feel important and that's a skill SINGLE DATING MAN or A ONE WOMAN man can't even figure out.  They will take you for granted, tell you that they are busy all the time or gotta work, or see their kids or whatever; and have you sitting around for days/weeks waiting on them to see you or call you.  So dumb.  I don't know how Shallow Hal manages it all but he does. 

The story is long so I have to break it up in parts.  It is a little bit of everything too - sad, mean, funny, and at times incomprehensible.  I have been seeing him for about 3-4 months but I have seen and heard quite a bit.  Yeah, he's a dog and I'll probably get chewed out on the blog for even dealing with him in the first place, but I don't care.  I'm grown and I do what I wanna do.  There are no rules.  I follow the rules I wanna follow. 

So enough of the buildup and onto the story.  He is known on this blog as Shallow Hal.

I met him online.   We emailed each other for maybe two weeks off and on, but my spidey sense started tingling after I picked up that he would only talk about meeting me during the week.  So then I asked him about his weekend availablity and he replied, "I usually go to New York." 

Me:  Really.  What part of New York?

SH:  Long Island. 

(insert side eye).  I know he's not partying on Long Island so WTF is he going all the way there for from Jersey???  Hmmm.

Me:  Are you seeing someone out there?


SH:  I have a friend out there.

Me:  Interesting.  Is she just a friend to you but does she consider you to be her man?


SH:  Yeah, she probably does.

I KNEW IT, but at least I knew before I met his azz.  He is telling me right out of the starting gate that he has somebody.  His profile did say casual relationship too so the pieces were starting to fit together.  Aight, should I give him credit for being honest?  Maybe.  If I hadn't asked I don't think he would have volunteered the maybe not.  Whatever.  The point is I knew the deal and can make the decision if I wanted to keep going with him.  

SIDE NOTE:  Actually I am finding that more guys that I meet are starting to do this in the early stages of talking to me.  I think these are the cheating ones who finally got tired of the drama that comes in the aftermath of running game on side pieces.  So his so-called "honesty' actually puts him in a better position, because if he has to take a call from his girl he can do it right in front of you, or tell you that he is going to see her so that he is not hiding anything.  Now of course, he is deceiving his main girl, but trying to deceive multiple women, especially ones you ain't committed to, is just messy and kinda stupid truthfully. The guys that tell you the shyt after hooking up with you are punk muthafuccas.  Chickens.  If you make it plain that you see other people upfront it lets the female decide if she wants to be on her way or stick around.  That way ain't nobody's feelings really hurt cuz things were put on the table early.  And if she gets caught up then well...she already knew the deal.  I think that is very fair.  Now can I come out and be all honest like this?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But because of the double standard that exists in this world against women you may not get the 'kudos' for being open like a man can.  I just say, 'I date' and let dudes take it from there.

So there it was.  I knew he had somebody before we even met, but to me that wasn't all that bad.  And for whatever reason, I decided to keep going even though I had not laid eyes on him yet.  In my mind I said he could go into the friend zone because the dialogue was interesting over the email.  I was intrigued.  He sounded like a cocky muthafucca, and some emails were so tense that he was starting to annoy me.  But for some reason I just had to see who this guy was.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew he had some high position at  his job.  I mean he sounded like he was boring and watched sports all the time.  He sounded judgmental too.  Not my style.  But something in my mind turned into pure curiosity and that is why I decided to meet him anyway.  I already had it my head that I wasn't gonna like him. 

The first date was described on the Cock Blocker post.  The second date was waaay better, but I smelled some signs of bossiness/inconsideration though.  Like for example, I TOTALLY HATE when I go on a date with a guy and the waitress asks if either of us wants a dessert and the guy replies “No” without asking me whether I did or not.  Especially when they are paying for the date.  It’s not like I want the damn dessert, but don’t be answering for me!  I’m a grown woman and can answer for myself.  I dunno but doing that move just burns my azz.  I think it is soooo inconsiderate but it seems that some dudes are totally clueless about this.  I just keep quiet and take the mental note, and deduct points off the scorecard when I get home.   

But even with that move, I was still feeling him.  He was looking all big and sexy so it didn't take too long for us to start kissing and doing 'whatever else'.  Giggle.  Like I always say, there are no rules.  His d*ck action was decent.  Looked aiight naked too.  Loves applying lubricant during sex repeatedly?  I usually don't require that okay?  (wink)  I don't think even a 75 year old would use as much lubricant as he does.  For real.  I have never seen anyone use it in such large doses in my life!  Makes me think he got d*ck burn on somebody's dry coochie back in the days.  Or does he think his d*ck is that f*ckin' gargantuan?  Maybe I will ask him next time.   

After that we communicated literally everyday and I visited a few times.  Once I came over and we started messing around in the living room.  Usually we would take things upstairs but this time he wasn’t doing that.  I suggest to go upstairs and he says, ‘I like staying downstairs.”  Alarm.  I knew something was up with that response, but I just let it pass.  I figure I'll get my d*ck first and then if i remember later I'll ask about it.  But things are heating up even more and this couch ain't working, so we start to go up the stairs to his bedroom.  I go in his room, skirt down around my ankles, and then BAM....