Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I Can't Look At Myself...

Aiight so me and Shallow Hal been gettin' it in...WELL.  Just typing that sentence sent a quiver through my coochie.  No lie. 

*crosses legs squirming*

Anyway, so he was talking about how he likes a woman to be shaved.  CLEAN.  I had to ask why, but of course he says the basic man shyt, "I just like it."  I remember I had done my own shave job back when I was kicking it with Tin Man, and right after that, his face, mouth, and my coochie broke up.  At first I thought something was wrong with me, and when I finally asked why he stopped doing that he said simple and plain, "You shaved." 

So now you tell me?  And growing hair back on your coochie takes FOREVER, so it wasn't like I could fix the issue overnight unless I took a black marker and drew some hair on it.  (And I was missing it so much that I considered doing  So needless to say I went without for a little bit of time...and that was not cute.  Even after he and I were done, I tried to just keep a little something down there, not a bush, but just enough to keep things looking sexy.  Just some fuzzy stuff like Amber Rose's head. 

And I was cool with that.

Now here comes Shallow Hal who likes it bald.  Sigh.  Made me wonder if he was just perverted at first cuz seriously, what is attractive about a bald azz coochie?  Seems like a pedophile would be checking for that look to me.  Hmmm.  To each his own I guess.

Soooo...since I had been pondering getting a Brazillian wax before even meeting Shallow Hal, I figured this would be a good time to try it out  since I was dealing with a fella who likes that.  I had been thinking about getting one all year, but it was just because I wanted to get that 'other hair' on the backside that my razor and my hands can't get to easily. 

So one day after work I said "F*ck it, I'm gonna do it."  I walk to the place and stop in front hesitating for a minute, then I walked up the stairs.  I didn't like the damn price and was gonna leave just because of that -- $40 damn dollars to get a shaved coochie?  WOW.  That's highway robbery!  I could get a dress or a pair of shoes for that kind of money.  But I sucked it up and said okay, let's do it.  I shyly told the lady that it was my first time, and she excitedly said, "Oh you're gonna love it!"

Ya think?  Ummm, ok.

The process was very interesting.  My legs and azz were all up in the air in front of this strange Russian woman, and she was handling me like I was rag doll - like it wasn't nothing.  It all was very strange to me but it was no big deal to her.  I guess she looks at women all day, but I bet she sees two 20 dollar bills on every coochie that comes through there. 

"Rip!  Rip!  Rip!"  That was the sound of those wax strips ripping the hair off my vajayjay.  And the shyt hurt!  Oh. My. Goodness.  I never knew my coochie was so sensitive.  Unbelievable.  But she actually praised me on how I was holding up and said that I was doing good and I wasn't bleeding or anything.

BLEEDING??  YOU CAN BLEED GETTING A BRAZILLIAN WAX?  Man she shouldn't have told me that at all.

Then it's over in maybe ten minutes.  I look at myself and there is nothing there but skin and vaginal parts.  Nothing.  And I wasn't lovin' it one bit.  I was kinda in shock.  "What did I do?"

I called Kim and told her about it.  She had one a long time ago and said she didn't like the look too much herself.  I told her that I didn't like it either and that I think I had ruined myself.  I told her that I felt shame and that I looked like a little azz girl.  I was no longer sexy.  Of course she starts laughing.

Then I told her that I didn't think I could at myself in the mirror.  It was just too much.  She laughs harder.  Then it hit me.  And what came next basically summed up everything I was feeling at that moment.

"Girl, I feel like a newborn baby." 

And Kim was done.  We both were laughing so hard that people on my train thought I was crazy.  And Kim made the laughing worse by saying that maybe I should go to the store and buy some Pampers to go with my new look.  LOL.  For real though, I looked like a newborn azz baby down there.  I mean you can see everythang, and WTF is sexy about that?  The hair was transitional for me, and now I was just all skin - from my neck to my toes.  Just skin.  My panties felt different too because the buffer of hair that I had between me and the panty cloth was now gone.  I never knew how much I missed that cushion of hair until my shyt went bald.  Who knew?  Needless to say I was not a happy camper. 

That same night, Shallow Hal comes by.  And you know what he wants.  We start messing around after awhile, and I managed to wriggle out of him touching or seeing it for a while.  But I couldn't keep that up once we go in the bedroom.  He gets in there and turns the lights on. 

GASP!  Nooooo!  He can't see me like this!  So I quickly turn them off. 

He turns them on again and says "I like the lights on!"  I tell him its like Yankee Stadium in the place, but he doesn't care. 

But I'm like nooooo, and I turn them off again.  I'm not lying about this either.  It was like a freakin' sitcom up in there with him turning the light on and me turning it off.  Too funny.  Eventually I concede and tell him that I will get a candle to create a little ambience.  I scurry around the apartment looking for one teenie tiny tea light candle to ensure the smallest bit of illumination in my room.  I was on a mission.  But shyt, I couldn't find them!  So I got Shallow Hal standing there with a hard dyck waiting for me to find this 10 cents candle and I'm opening cabinets and drawers like a damn maniac.  Yeah I was tripping hard.  I think the waxing took my hair and some of my sense along with it too.  Eventually Shallow Hal says, "Um, I can't stand here much longer like this love", and I didn't want miss out either, so I just sucked it up and got the big candle and lit it.  Damn. 

After things are all said and done, his azz didn't even say a word about it.  I didn't want to say, "Did you notice my new look?" while standing in front of him showing off my hairless vajayjay, but on the other hand it would have been nice to get at least an 'honorable mention' seeing that I just went through torture doing that shyt.  I laid there and I silently cursed any man that would demand that his woman get a Brazillian wax. 

"How dare you?  How dare you subject your woman to such torture?  You selfish visual bastard!  Ugh!"

But I made it through my first hairless sexual encounter, and now I am on the other side.  The storm has passed.

So it's been a few days and I am proud to say that I can look at myself now.  The fever has broken.  It's gonna take forever for that hair to grow back though, so I might as well get used to looking like six year old for a while.  :( I guess I can appreciate the Brazillian wax a little better now, because I like the way the 'other areas' look and feel, but next time I will just leave a lil patch or something there.  No way will I ever, ever get a completely bald vajayjay though.  It just looks alien to me.  And if any dude wants me to be completely bald in the future, his azz better be ready to wax some of his shyt off too.  Back.  Legs.  Chest.  Something!  So he will know how that shyt feels before screaming out a selfish 'preference' for a hairless coochie.  You better think twice about asking me that son.

Woo chile.  Next time I will proceed with caution if I get a Brazillian wax again.  I took things a little too far.  Like always, but lesson learned.