Friday, July 22, 2011

Was It Destiny? - Part II

Saw the Tin Man...again.  Yep.  The second time in two weeks.  For weeks I wouldn't see his azz when I wanted to, and now that I don't want to there he is.  What the hell is going on?

I was coming out of the subway and he walked past me.  Because he was staring at his phone (as usual), he didn't see me at first.  Before I could talk myself out of it I poked him on the arm.


He turns to look back at me. 

I say it again, "Unbelievable that I'm seeing you again."

He walks back towards me.  His demeanor wasn't all smiley faced like it was when I saw him last week though.  "Well I do work around here, what's so unbelievable?"

Asshole reply.  Well hey I hang out around there too so what?  I don't see the same people when I pass by there.   STFU.  Wanna be a bitch today?

This time it was different.  No hug or kiss like he usually gives.  He was a statue.  Ice cold in the 95 degree heat.  It was awkward.  Very awkward.

We chat a little.  He compliments me on my hair and my lip gloss.  He asks about my new place, etc.  Then he asks where I am going.  I point to the bar where the Tenderoni is waiting for me (oh I forgot to mention that the Tenderoni asked me to meet him at that bar where I was going.)

"I'll walk you over there."

A little voice in my head said, "Uh oh.  Bad idea."  But I didn't listen. 

So we walk and get in front of the bar, and just as we approach...the Tenderoni walks out and looks dead at me and Tin Man walking up.

"Shit."  I said to myself. 

I don't think Tin Man was looking though, but I held my finger up to indicate to Tenderoni to give me a few minutes.  He says nothing and does not stop.  He leaves the bar and continues to walk down the street.

But I stay there and talk to Tin Man anyway?  Something cemented me to that spot and I couldn't move.  I didn't care that Tenderoni had been waiting on me for twenty minutes either.  I didn't care if he left.  Bad I know.

So we chat some more.  Just small talk.  Tin Man was acting weird.  He was oozing with that, "I don't care vibe"  too.  So when I peeped that I asked if I was keeping him from something  and he said no.  Cool...then his demeanor changed slightly.  We talked about little things like my bartending and my car, but he continued to act weird by making faces and dropping hints about how he is always solo and doing his own thing and alla that.  Like he is just having a ball right now in his life.

Mmmm....ok.  Well what did it look like I was doing last week when you saw me?  And now Mr. Tin Man?  One monkey don't stop no show for me.  It never has.

I made a mistake though.  He said he was going to the movies and with a big cheesy smile I asked if he had a date.  Ugh.  Why did I do that?  Anyhow he said no, and reaffirmed how he is by himself 99% of the time.  Whateverreeeeee....

Anyways the convo wasn't bad and things were getting more comfortable between us.  But I couldn't stand there long because Tenderoni was still waiting...I think.  After about five minutes I had to part ways.  I just needed to make sure I said it first.  The departure was abrupt and awkward, but I couldn't focus on it at the moment.  I was feeling guilty about Tenderoni.  I desperately start looking for him.  He didn't pick up the phone after I called it twice.  I stood there shaking my head and then I sent him a text asking if he was mad at me.

"I'm here."

Whew.  Good.  So I went back into the bar and he met me in there.  We went out and had kind of nice time.  He CLAIMS he wasn't mad about me talking to Tin Man, but moreso about me being late.  Oh well.  Shyt I am always late and I told him that.  But whatever, on the surface he seemed to get past it but I honestly I don't think so.  In fact he brought it up yesterday on the phone.  He thought I was playing him because he is young.  Nah, I told him.  For the greater good of everyone, it was good that I stopped to talk.  LOL.  Yeah that's bullshyt right?  I know.  The therapist hinted at that being foul too, but it's too late now.  All I can do is apologize and that's that.

But as for these two chance meetings with Tin Man...I NEVER happened upon him anywhere, and now I see him two weeks in a row?  If I had known that all I needed to do was go to The Village to catch him I would have been doing that when things were cool.  So I have to believe that we crossed paths for a reason, and especially this second time because I actually got to talk to him. 

And that talk, as short as it was, was very enlightening.  Once I got settled with Tenderoni and had a chance to think I said to myself...I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE, BUT HE'S NOT.  He's really not.  

Thank the lawd.  After nine months the fever has finally broken.

I think that is why he was put in my path again?  I'll admit that this past weekend I was tripping and remembering him and wishing things weren't the way they were.  The universe heard me and said, "Ok we gotta put a stop to this shyt."  So he was dropped in my path again, and it was for me to really take a good look at him again.

And what did I see?  I saw that...

  • He just wasn't that cute anymore.  Body is banging but he just wasn't that fine anymore for some reason.  I had given him a pass on his nose and teeth but I just seemed to notice them more as I stood there.  The rose colored glasses transformed into regular sunglasses as I stood there looking at him.
  • He acts weird and says weird stuff.  
  • He says crazy things as if to self sabotage himself.  "Yep, I drink everyday."  "Yep 99% of the time I'm by myself."  And he has lied about stuff and I caught him in the lie.
  • The urge was gone.  I used to just pounce on him and kiss and hug him, but nothing made me want to do that anymore. 
  • Talking to him is a struggle.  Guys who think they are 'smarter than the average bear' are forever trying to analyze your statements and minimize your thoughts.
  • He is mad defensive and attacks you.  Because I said it was unbelievable that I saw him again and I had this look of "WTF" on my face,  he shoots back with that "Well I work around here so what's so unbelievable about it".  Bullshyt.  This is NYC and there are mad people here.  I go over there all the time and NEVER see the same people every time I am over there.  There were 100 people watching a basketball game on the street corner and another 50 or so coming out of the subway.  But I see your azz?  It is unbelievable muthafucca and I don't care what you say.
  • He tries sooo hard to put on this "I am The Lone Wolf Show", where he says these little things to make it clear that he will be obligated to no one.  Last time we spoke he yelled, "No one is gonna tell me how to life my life!"  I don't know where that came from, but that statement was very telling to me.  It told me that he might feel that a female will consume him and that he can't be his own man if he bends for a woman.  He looks at relationships and closeness as a burden and full of obligation, instead of thinking how a woman can enhance or add to his life.  He claims that he won't make promises, and now I see why.  He doesn't want to have to live up to the promise.  That is too much of a commitment, even something as simple as him saying that he will take you out.  No matter what he tells you, he has the option to cancel.  And he exercised that option on I don't know how many occassions.
  • He might have a personality disorder.  A few months ago I was talking to the therapist and she said that based on the things that he was saying and doing to me.  Standing there in the hot sun listening to all of his "Yeps" and remembering all of the shitty things he did and said to me makes me think that she is right.  She warned me that he was mean, but I didn't listen.
I could go on and on so lemme stop.  I went to the therapist yesterday and talked to her about it.  Again she asked me what was it that was drawing me to him.  And you know, I can't seem to give her a straight answer!!!!  I guess I WANTED him to be the one for me, even though he never did anything to prove that he could be.   I created something in my head I think.  It makes me think that I don't know how to recognize love.   I thought I was in love with a man who had demonstrated more than enough times to me that he wasn't capable of that. 

So yeah, I played myself.

And honestly, I need to be kicked dead in my azz for being such a dum-dum.

Yes I was a fool.  Yes people tried to warn me but I...I don't know why I couldn't see it for myself.

No, I can't believe that I put up with his bullshyt, but I did.

Yes I got caught up. 

Yes I wanted him to be the one. 
No, he never showed me that he could be the one so what the f*ck was I thinking?
Yes I tried to leave him alone several times but for some reason I kept going back.

No he didn't make me feel good and he shyt on me more times than I can count. But he would always come back saying some nicety shyt to get me to move past it.

And finally the answer is yes that I know that he manipulated the fallout between us so that it looks like it's my fault that things are done.  And my reply to that is yes that he is a looney muthafucca for putting that shyt in his mind.  It is ALL HIS FAULT that things are the way they are, but it is my fault that I let him do it. 

The therapist said it simple and plain:

"Men have NO INCENTIVE to change.  They have no reason to because they will always find another woman to put up with their weirdness, vagueness, rigidity, drama, indifference, assholeness, brokeness, meanness, lameness, etc.  So what you see is what you get. He won't change because there will always be another one to take your place."

And she's right.  There is always another one.  Just like me.

So was it destiny that I saw him again?  Was it fate?

I say yes.  Something in the universe wanted me to snap of out of this shyt for good.  The universe heard me this past weekend, acting all sappy and thinking this brotha was the one for me.  I even said to myself that I was losing my mind.  It was that bad.  The universe heard that and came in and did an intervention to move me past this nonsense. 

And it did.  It's all clear to me now.

As we stood on that NYC street, talking in the hot sun, I realized once and for all why it made sense to rename him from Pretty Brown to the Tin Man.  He has no heart.  He only thinks of himself.  He is mean. 

People say that no matter how fine a person is on the outside, how that person is on the inside can make them the ugliest person on Earth.


And I hate to use the word 'ugly' for a person because I think it's a hurtful word.  But as much as it pains me to write this....

(thinks to self)

The other day, I saw the ugliest man I have ever known in my life.

Will the real Tin Man please stand up?

Haha.  Might as well get a little laugh out of it if I can right?  If I ever see him again I'm going pull out my phone and look at this picture just to remind me of what's really behind the exterior.
Although I didn't dodge the bullet in time, he was put in my path a second time for reason.  It was for me to see that he is not the beautiful person that I thought could be for me.  And THIS TIME, I really, really, really mean that.

So thank you God.  Thank you universe.

Thank you for rescuing me from this mental hell, and it feels good to finally exhale.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Was It Destiny?

I was kinda geeked to see Hot Chocolate after almost 18 months.  It was a last minute thing so I showed up in my work dress, but thank goodness that I got my new sexy shoes delivered earlier in the day.  They gave me an extra four and half inches of emergency sexy just in the nick of time.

I enter the spot.  It was mad hot outside so I was happy to get out of the heat.  Hot Chocolate is not there yet so I make my way to the bar to cop a couple of seats for us.  But guess who I see sitting there?

TIN MAN --- a.k.a. Ike Turner, a.k.a "The Artist Formerly Known as Pretty Brown."

I jumped like I saw a mouse.  I retreated and sat at the bar tables where his back would now be to me.  I gasped for air.  My heart was beating so fast.  I quickly tried to decide whether to leave or not.  I pull out the phone to text Hot Chocolate to meet me somewhere else.  But I wasn't sitting there one minute before the cocktail waitress trotted up to me with menus and asked me for my drink order.  Damn!  This was a fine time for this gal to do her job right!  Any other time I would have been sitting there waiting on someone to serve me - but nooooo, not today.  I wanted to go, but instead I mindlessly asked for a rum and coke.  Huh?  It was like it just came out of mouth without my approval or something.  Ugh.  So now I'm committed, I ordered a drink.  I'm texting Hot Chocolate asking where he is.  Maybe he was far enough away for me to gulp down the drink and bounce.

"I'm right down the street."

Oh lawd.  Ok.  Ok.  So what do I do?  What do I do?  I'm talking to myself.  I'm looking at Tin Man's back and saying, "He was mean to me.  He was mean to me."  I wanna be mad.  I wanna just ignore him.  But I know I can't do that.

I quickly sent a text to Kim asking her if I should speak to him or not.  As I'm waiting, I'm squirming in my seat because I gotta use the bathroom.  But I was frozen in my place because I have to pass him in order to get to it.  SHYT!  Come on Kim, call me back!  Please!

Hot Chocolate texts and says he can't find the place.  Good.  That gave me a couple of minutes to think.  Kim calls two minutes later.  Good azz friend.  She says "Go ahead and speak.  Just be cool."  She tries to ask me other things but I was just too overwhelmed to talk.  I had to get off that phone.

"Ok.  I'll speak", I told her before hanging up.

Hot Chocolate finally makes it.  Dayum he looked soooo good, but I couldn't even take it all in because Tin Man was in my midst and I thought he would turn around if he heard my voice.  I kept my voice low.  We chit chatted for a minute, and just as I was about to say let's go to another spot, here comes that damn cocktail waitress doing her job again!  He orders a drink.  Sigh.  I guess I'm staying now.  I can't wait another minute though.  I gotta go the bathroom.  Time to pass The Tin Man.  

Here. We. Go.

I walk over to Tin Man and tap him once on his back.  He turns and doesn't seem to recognize me at first (blame it on the new wig with the purple highlights :)).  Then in a few seconds he does.  We look at each other without saying a word.  Then he smiles - in disbelief if you ask me.

"Fancy seeing you here sir."  I kept my shades on because my eyes would tell him too much.

With a big smile he says, "I just got off work."

I extend my hand to shake his, but he stands up, kisses me on the cheek and gives me a hug.  Then I make small talk.  Very small talk.  Where did you come from?  How do you feel?  Then abruptly and without any expression I say, "I gotta go to the bathroom."

I walked away.  Did he watch me?  I wonder.

I enter the bathroom and put my face in my hands.  I can't believe this.  There are ten thousand bars in this city, and I end up going to one where the guy who shyt on my heart is having a damn Red Stripe.  I stand there for a few minutes buggin' out.

Then someone calls my
name  from the other side of the bathroom door.


"It's (Tin Man).  Can I talk to you?"

I open the door to come out looking confused, but he blocks my way.  He pushes me back inside the tiny bathroom and locks the door.

"What are you doing?"

With a strained face he says, "I'm sorry.  I'm sooooo sorry.  I miss you soooo much. 
I was wrong for being that way to you."

"What way?"

"Just everything.  I like you and I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't like that I can't talk to you."

I couldn't speak.  I was in shock.  The emotion was building inside of me and I just want to cry behind my shades.  But I couldn't.  I wouldn't.
I just look down at the floor.  Speechless.  I felt my jaw tighten and I moved towards the door.

He reaches to take off my sunglasses.

"You look great."

I look and smile.  "Thank you.  Um, come on let's go now.  We gotta get out of this bathroom."

I look into his face waiting for him to open the door.  I look at his mouth.  His lips.  My heart is beating fast again.

He kisses me.  Hard.  I kiss him back.  He embraces me and the kisses become softer and more passionate.  I'm melting.  My head is swimming.  It's like I'm high or drunk.  This is not making any sense.  I forget where we are.  Things are moving too fast.  Too fast.  I feel my dress rising up my thigh, but I don't stop him.   He turns me around to the wall and then...I feel it.  I feel him.  I want to moan, but I hold it in.  I remember now.  We are in a NYC bathroom.  I gotta be quiet.  I gotta be quiet!
He feels so good.  So good.

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

"Uh, someone is in here.  You can use the guy's bathroom though." 
I quickly turn the water on but we don't stop.  When I hear the other bathroom door open and close, I turn to him and my eyes tell him to stop.  He does.  Tin Man smiles at me, pulls up his pants, and kisses my cheek. 

"Can I see you later?"

"Um, ok."

He touches my face and hugs me tightly.  "I miss you."

He walks out.  I check myself in the mirror, put my sunglasses back on, and walk back to
Hot Chocolate like nothing happened.

"Damn, where you been?"

"Sorry suga.  My mother called me and I was talking to her.  Want another drink?"
I smile, and take a sip of my drink --- all the while hiding the real truth behind my sexy sunglasses. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Sensuality Tonight? - The Recap

I really hate that I didn't come out here the next day after the Sensuality Class because it actually was pretty cool.  I wanted to remember every little detail so I will do best to re-live the night.  I left there feeling kinda sexy.  I was meowing and purring all the way to the subway honey!  It was sexy up in there, for real.

For starters, the teacher wasn't exactly what I pictured in my head. I guess I was expecting somebody like Stiffler's mom to be teaching it....

Somebody that was oozing so much sex that I could take some home and sprinkle it on my food.  But nope.  Not at all. 

She was more like this:

No lie.  LOL.  The chick was straight outta the 60s---Yoko Ono hairdo, earthy looking, no makeup, and mad skinny.  She was just plain.  Regular.  So at first I was like what does this chick know about being sexy and sensual?   Cuz she sho' didn't look it.  So of course I was asking myself what in the world could this woman tell me about sensuality and being sexy. 

Then she started talking and boy was I wrong!  She was dropping the d*ck and f*ck word like it wasn't nothing.  It just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Like that chick from the movie American Pie, she looked and talked nerdy but then hopped on dude and said, "Say my name BITCH!"   Well just like I was surprised to see Miss Band Camp let her inner freak out, this instructor was a freak too.  So after about ten minutes of her rap to us, she had my TOTAL attention.

So again, this was kinda like a class.  She asked questions that your gynecologist probably wouldn't even ask.  She asked how many of us actually look at our va-jay-jay.  But she didn't say va-jay-jay of course , chick said it straight and plain, "When was the last time you looked at your pussy?"  BOOM.  The room fell silent, then a few people raised their hands.  That was sorta the ice breaker I guess.  I look at mine pretty regularly truth be told.  Giggle.  Especially when I'm using my toy.  Buying a bed with a mirror on the headboard was one of the smartest things I ever did.  Who knew that it would still bring me so much visual pleasure? 
Aiight so back to the class.   We did different activities that built us up to the grand finale.  The grand finale was that we had to go around and pick a question out of basket to answer.  And these weren't questions for the lightweights either.  The questions were straight freaky, no easy shyt, and didn't really let you skirt around answering things.  Yoko Ono shut that down if you tried though; you had to talk for two minutes on the question and she had a timer.  TWO WHOLE MINUTES.  That's a lot of time.  The more people talked, the more detail they had to give, because Yoko wouldn't let up.  So again, never judge a book by its cover, because those innocent chicks in that room started talking...and talking...and painting pictures for me that made squirm in my seat.  Black chicks, White chicks, foreign chicks, they all was up in there telling their tales. 

Then it was my turn. 

"What's your biggest fantasy?"

Not the freakiest question, but to talk about it for two minutes was not as easy as I thought.  Honestly, I don't really fantasize about what I would like to do sexually.  I probably fantasize more about being in love and someone liking me and me liking that person back with the same intensity.  Yeah...see that right there, that is what a damn fantasy is for me.  BEING IN LOVE, or having sex with someone that I love.  Sometimes that sounds soooo impossible.  Like a dream.  Love IS a fantasy as far as I'm concerned.

But if I do think about sexual thangs, it's more about who I was with and what we did.  I'm more into replaying sexual encounters in my mind for the most part.  The toys assist me as needed, but sometimes my mind does plenty enough.   I fantasize about past encounters, and then include the romantic and sweet things that I wish could have happened during that encounter.  I imagine stuff like the guy touching my face, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, intertwining his fingers with mine, or touching my hair (of course that's after I take the wig off, wash it, and flat iron it. Otherwise don't touch my chit!  Reminds of that Whip My Hair post that I had a while back.)   So when it was my turn to tell my fantasy, I had to think.  Hard.  I wanted my story to be genuine.  (Pause)  Thinking and thinking.  All eyes were on me and nothing would come out of my mouth.  So I went deep down and finally said it. 

"My fantasy is...

(drum roll)

To have a guy and a girl doing me." 

Big deal right?  Not earth shattering either.  But she gently pushed me to describe in detail what would happen.  And I did.  In front of ten women I did not even know.  It was a little uncomfortable, not because people were looking at me, but because I honestly hadn't thought about it or talked about it much.  Funny thing, to sit there and say it outloud was actually pretty liberating.  It really was.  To verbalize it like that to other people (not just some dude), made me want to make it happen.  The more I spoke the more I wanted to put the wheels in motion and make it a reality.  It was sounding so good that after I told my story I had to send a text to my jump off to come over.  I had too much sexual tension built up to let only the toy faciliate my fun that night.  I needed some dirty talk bad.

Hmmmm...I should write a blog entry on that fantasy so I can get into some detail.  I dunno, we will see. 

So I told my story, and I was kinda glad my turn was over.  But the other stories?  Wooo chile!  There was the most innocent, freckle faced, red haired chick in the room and her question was "What was the freakiest thing you ever did?"  She was very soft spoken, and very conservatively dressed. You know, just quiet looking. 

I was like expecting some wishy washy story from her but it was hardly that!  At first it sounded all cute and dreamy.  She was in a bar and meet this Navy dude in uniform.  They were talking.  Then they were dancing.  He told her she was sexy.  They hopped in a cab.  Then they were in a hotel room.  Then with the biggest smile on her face she said, "He f*cked the shyt outta me and it was so great!" 

I almost fell outta my chair.  What the hell?

That room had all the undercover chicks coming out of their shell.  Another Black chick talked about how much she liked to give blow jobs.  The story was starting off slow but Yoko quietly pushed her into talking more.  Man!  I have never heard d*ck sucking described in so much detail in my life.  She described how it felt in her mouth, how it felt when the guy is on the brink..."I love the feeling that he is under my control.  That I am controlling his pleasure."  She did a good azz job and painted a helluva picture I tell ya.  When her two minutes were up I thought she was gonna run out of the room as if she had just confessed to killing somebody.  You could tell it was a bit much for her to verbalize something that was just in her mind.  Hell, she made me wanna call somebody up for a BJ session myself.  She made it sound so sexy and sensual, not disgusting or dirty, and I thought that was so cool.

So I left the Sensuality Class feeling pretty good.  I felt sexy and liberated.  I told on myself and it actually wasn't THAT bad!  It was different than talking about things on the blog.  I felt as if I really wanted to make that fantasy happen too. This chick approached me at the end of the class and praised me for being honest and open.  She was like, "Do it.  I did."  (Another confession from an innocent looking white chick.)  Maybe talking on this blog has helped me to be more open about talking about my sexy though. In fact I know it has.  I'm not scared about what people think or what they will say or how high they raise their eyebrows when it comes to my sex life.  Ain't nobody gotta like what I do but me.  

What's next?  I have to think about who could set it up for me.  I mean I could do it, but I like the idea of someone else setting it up and choosing the players and the situation.  I just wanna show up ready to be pleased.  I want to be the Guest of Honor and the players prepare themselves for ME.  Unfortunately I don't have access to chicks like that; but I do have access to the men though.  I got one dude in mind, but I think his pool of contacts might have a Shenehneh or two in the mix.  Nuh uh!  I don't want anybody with bullet holes in their azz -- I want a sexy chick.  I remember a few years ago this dude I messing with was trying soooo hard to set up this threesome with another girl, but the mistake he made was that he seemed to want it to jump off for himself more than for the both of us.  When I picked up on that vibe it just turned me off.  We would be in the middle of doing it and then he would call up this 'prospect' so that she could hear me moaning or whatever.  But even with that, he just wasn't getting my head wrapped around the idea enough.  I mean I have done a threesome here or there in the past, but then I WAS trying to please somebody else at the time.  Not no mo' though.  It's gotta be about me too if I go there again. 

Wait a sec.  I met this dude on Match and he might be the one to do this!  He's like ten years younger than me, but man oh man, talk about somebody packing?  My lawd.  I just had to get a sample, I couldn't help myself once I felt it on my leg.  Giggle.  So maybe.  I'll put it out there and see what he says.  Honestly though, I think I would rather do that with two strangers than someone I know anyway.  For some reason I think that would be the best scenario.  We shall see.
In other news...
Guess who I'm gonna see tonight???  Hot Chocolate.  Yeah, that one who said he didn't want a Black chick (Cougarisms, I Don't Want A Black Chick).  I asked him if he wanted to have a drink last week and he said sure.  I haven't see him in a long time so we will just shoot the breeze. I already know the deal with this one so it won't be any haps -- he wants Asian booty only.  Hey that's fine.  I did a little research on that Asian fetish thing so I got it now.  I'm just glad that I can be in a place with past romantic interests where we can still hang out.  I don't know why some females think that is strange or weird though.  The main ones who always boast about "cutting" dudes off all the time be the most uptight, bitter, and the pickiest if you ask me.  And guess what?  They still end up with a buster every now and then any f*ckin' way!  So much for your high standards and character checklists.  LOL.  Oh and lemme tell you this too, you don't get a prize just because you ain't talking to a past fella anymore.  Big. F*ckin'.  Deal.  And I don't get a prize for continuing to talk to them either.  You ain't better than me and I'm not better than you so don't put yourself on a pedestal my dear.  You're not STRONGER than me, I think you are just more BITTER than me that's all.
I'm just having fun anyways.  And in three hours that's exactly what I'll be doing...having fun with Hot Chocolate, the Asian Booty Lover.  I'm sick of all of these relationship rules.  I do and see and talk to who I want.