Thursday, June 23, 2011

Booty Call Etiquette

Lawd have mercy on me for writing this, but after a recent encounter I feel that I must.

Can I talk about booty calls today? 
Or if booty call is too harsh and crude for some, I'll call it a 'grown and sexy rendevous'. 
But whatever you wanna call it, can I chat about it from a female perspective?

I'm not an expert on sex or men or anything, so what I write is just my thoughts on the whole booty call thing after a VERY INTERESTING evening with one particular brotha....


Cardinal Rule #1 on Booty Call Etiquette
It's not just simply about getting the booty fellas. 
It's also about what you do prior to that. 
You need to warm the engine up before you wanna start driving.

Don't come to the door with your damn pants down and tongue hanging out like a hungry azz dog!

You just don't come to the door with a hard stick ready to f*ck! If you are looking and acting thirsty and you haven't been at my crib for ten minutes, I'm just gonna get turned off.  I mean I know why you're coming over, but damn, can you at least be calm, cool, and collected about the shyt?  Even in pornos they do some dumb dialogue in the beginnnng before things get started.  I mean thanks for being excited about seeing me but at least be smooth about it.   Don't be putting your paws all over me or try to ram your tongue down my throat like you're thirteen years old.  Don't rub my coochie all hard trying to burn my shyt.  Don't thrust your hand up my shirt grabbing my boobs like you trying to get my milk up for breast feeding.  Read the situation first and ease me into the mood - or at least try anyways.

Cardinal Rule #2 on Booty Call Etiquette
Don't show up empty here handed muthafucca.

Don't you dare show up at my spot empty handed you big dummy! Don't you dare.  Come bearing gifts, especially if this is your first time at my spot.  As a matter of fact, even if it is not a booty call yo azz better bring something if it is your first visit.  That means stop and get a bottle of wine BEFORE YOU GET HERE.  Ask me what I like to drink BEFORE YOU GET HERE and go pick it up.  Don't get here, realize your mistake, and then try to leave out trying to find an open liquor store.  Boy please.  Don't you know betta than to show up with nothing in your hand?   Plan ahead for goodness sake.  Stop and pick up something to set the mood for the situation beforehand and at least fake that you have a little swagger about yourself.  Damn bruh - why you making me stay sober?  I need the buzz so if you're dyck game is whack at least I get to keep the bottle that you brought.  And even if you're not down with bringing the alcohol, go get a bag of chips and some salsa.  Go to Popeye's and bring me a two piece.  Raisinets?  Flowers?  A plant? Something! 

And don't EVEN fix yo' mouth to ask if we could drink something from my stash either.  Hells no!  That stuff is for me, not you.  Ain't no way you're gonna come over and drink up my shyt AND get some coochie too.  You must be out of your damn mind. 

Cardinal Rule #3 on Booty Call Etiquette
Have what you need to get down to business.

So you ran to the gas station to get some condoms on the way here, and they didn't have the ones that you 'need'. 

"Oh these condoms are too tight."
"Oh these condoms are too thick."
"Oh I can't feel anything with these things, but that's all they had."
"I can't stay hard with these.  Damn."

Blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear that shyt!!!

Don't come over if you don't have the right tools to get the job done.  You are a grown azz man and you ain't no virgin.  You know what kind of condom works for you, so get the right ones before darkening my doorstep.  Remember this:  If this is your first time here you must bring your A-game!  Treat this like a job interview and talk your best game and be ready give your best performance.  I don't want to hear you blame the condom all night for your lack luster skills because I will immediately think that it's your dyck game that's the problem.  I'm naked and ready to go, so I damn well don't want to see you fighting with the condom trying to put it on your weenie!  That thing needs to be on in ten seconds or less.  That's it.  And please, spare me with your complaining.  I am not the naked customer service rep so I am not in the mood to hear your bitching.  What the f*ck did you think you would find at the gas station on the way here?  You know your dyck better than I do, so get the correct buns for your hot dog!  Soooo lame.  I'd rather you cancel the evening and not come over at all if you gonna whine about the condom all night. 

Cardinal Rule #4 on Booty Call Etiquette
Caressing you?  Not.

Unless we are kinda feeling each other on a mental/emotional level, don't tell me that you need to be stroked and touched tenderly in order to get excited.  I hate that.  You ain't caressing on me, and I can still manage to get moist, so why do you need me to put my arms around you and touch your face and stroke your back?  I mean I have no problem doing that if I am feeling that, but as soon as you indicate that you NEED that in order to stay hard and stay interested, then the first I'm thinking is:

What a big baby.

You'd be amazed how much guys need this caressing in order to stay excited. 

 "You haven't even touched me yet." 

You whining again?  Boo hoo hoo.  Didn't know I had to do all that in order for you to stay in the mood?  Reluctantly I try to oblige and just go ahead and do whatever it is he needs though.  "What do you want me to do?"  But if possible, can you leave this need out of the booty call situation?  I'm not an actress and it really is a bother to me sometimes.

Cardinal Rule #5 on Booty Call Etiquette
Spare me the excuses.

Remember that ghetto chick from Friday with Ice Cube when she said:

You ain't gotta lie Craig...
You ain't gotta lie.

If I like you, sure I would love for you to stick around after.  But if I don't, you can go after a half hour or so.  It's fine.  No explanation needed, and no need to make excuses.  If everything happened like I described above, I am probably ready for you to go anyway. LOL.  Get the fluck out!  Not much more I have to say on that topic.  Just go.  No speech necessary.

Bottom line, booty calls can be cool, and they can be whack.  I'm sure everyone has a whack story to tell about an encounter that they had in their past life.  All I'm saying is that, from a female perspective and being a woman of a certain age, be smooth about WHATEVER YOU DO.  Have some Boris Kodjoe and Usher Raymond swagger about it, because it really goes a looong way.  You want me to be sexy...bring it out of me!  Even if it was just about the sex...YOU STILL HAVE TO PUT IN SOME PREP WORK BRUH.  You can have the biggest and fattest dyck around, but you still gotta get me to want it.   

And that's that.

Sad to say that the above is a TRUE story too.  Bruh was just full of excuses.  I knew something was wrong when he said he dreamt that I took my hand and put it up his...


(clears throat)

I'll just stop there for now. Too funny. 

Lames come in all ages, education levels, and tax brackets.  Please believe that.

Next up...another Match date scorecard to post.  I gotta digress from all of this men talk too.  I have to talk about the biz competition I was in and the drama with this chick I tried to help win $10K down in ATL.  But I was the winner....hee hee.  More later! 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Like a Boy...

The other day I supressed the monster and threw the fish back.  But it didn't last for long.

I took out my fishing pole again, and again the same fish bit.  Easy.

I waited for him.  Called my friend and predicted what his sex and dyck game was gonna be like.  Making bets and shyt about how big his dyck might be and crap like that.  Just someone to be played.

So I waited.

And as soon as he said, "I'm outside"....the monster came. 

And I was mean.

I was a bytch.

I made no eye contact with him. 

"Kiss me."

"Nope.  No kissing", as I stared at the television set.

I treated him like an object.  I talked to him like I didn't care.

"But you gotta get to know me, and I gotta get to know you."

(Yeah but you wait until we get naked to say this?  GTFOH.)

But the monster said,  "No you don't.  You don't need to know me.  We both know why you're here, so why do I need to 'know' anything about you?  What for?"

And he looked baffled.  Probably surprised because he thought I was soooo nice.  But when he took the p*ssy bait that all changed.  Miss Nice became the monster. 

And that was that.

"Should I let myself out?"


I didn't even look at him.

Honestly though,  I feel kinda bad about it.  Someone was mean to me and I turned around and did it to someone else.  I know it wasn't right.  I know.  But I couldn't help myself.  Something else took control of me.  It was like I turned into...



You don't listen to him.  You don't care how it hurts...
Cause I'm just a boy...

It didn't feel good, but it didn't feel bad either.  I think I understand things a lot better now.  I guess if you are mean to enough people you start not to feel any particular way at all about it anymore.

Hmmmm.  Just a like a boy.

And maybe just like me?


Monday, June 13, 2011

Day #621: The "F*ck Off" Brick

You're never too old to throw one...

or get hit by one.

Today, I got hit with the worst kind of brick..."THE FUCK OFF BRICK".


I might do something messed up.  Make a mistake doing something with someone I know I don't like.  Use him and say "Get the f*ck out".  I feel the urge burning inside of a monster.

I hope I can control myself.  And not do that.

I don't know though.  Already took out my fishing pole and got a fish.  Too easy.

I hope I can just throw him back.

I don't know. 

(head in my hands)

I just don't know. 

UPDATE:  I threw him back.  For now.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


I know that man ain't thinking about me.

But no matter how busy I am,
And what I have going on with other fellas,
My mind manages to find a place for him.
And I wish,
Still wish that things could have been different.
But they will never, ever be different.
Things will be EXACTLY how I experienced them.
Nothing will change.
He will be the same ol' Ike Turner.
Mean and heartless.
Self serving and uncaring.

But yet,
I still wish for him.
 Like a fool.

And I bet.
I just bet.
That the next chick...he marries. 
Because that's the way those things always goes.
They seem to marry the NEXT ONE.
Like they miraculously figure out how to be right and do right for the NEXT ONE.
Just cray-zee.

I fought.  I took chances. 
Put myself out there, just to walk away with cuts and bruises.
And watch and see what happens now.
The next chick will come along and snag him,
Breezy and easy.
Like it was nothing.
He'll act right for her.
But he couldn't,
Wouldn't do it for me.

And then I will do what I always do,
Question myself,
Again and again until I'm sick in the head.
Asking myself,

Why. Not. Me?

(tapping fingers on desk)

Letting go is tough.
It takes time,
I just wish "time" would hurry up and get here.
But for now,
I'll be a little bit pathetic.
And continue to wish for someone not worth wishing for.

Like the fool that I am.
Like the fool I now admit that I was.


Friday, June 3, 2011

I Thought We Had This Conversation Bruh?

Here we go again.

So at 8:15 in the morning you send me this text:

"Good morning.  I have a question for you and keep it real.  R u fucking with someone from the bar or in (city)?  Yes or no."

"Ok what did you hear this time?"

"Yes or no"

"Here we go again.  Sigh."

"Ur not answering the question"

"Call me.  Not gonna be texting convos today."


"Ok so what's going on?  Why are you asking me that?"

"Cuz I just wanna know.  It's a simple yes or no question."

"Ok so why are you asking?"

"Why are you dancing around the question and not answering."

"Because for one thing, you don't ask me a question like that, 'Are you fucking with someone else...'.  I'm not your girl, baby momma, or your niece.  You don't pose a question to me like that."

"But you're dancing around the question.  You making me think it's true."

"Man look, ain't nobody dancing around anything.  Tell me why you're asking and then I'll answer."


Uh huh.  He hung up.  See, he's gettin' too caught up.

Just like my You Cannot Catch Feelings post said,  if we are on a Coochie Contract, you do not wonder what I do with other people!!!  I never ask what you do or who you do it with, cuz the contract doesn't allow it.  But once you start asking those type of questions, you start crossing over into "You're my woman" territory--and you never stop asking.  It will keep coming up every once in a while and causing arguments.  It all just becomes a big ole mess and then we start arguing like we are a couple.  A couple.  Whoa.  This is when it all has to stop.

Now in this case, whoever told this fool that I was dealing with somebody in the bar is lying.  Real talk.  I know now after messing with this one not to go there again.  But my question is, why the hell is somebody bringing me up to him anyway?  Hmmmm.  You know why?  Because the person who told this fool KNOWS that he is that 'somebody I'm f*ckin' with".  That's what I think.  Or it could be his food stamp scamming niece who was in the bar the other night.  She probably told him something crazy too.  Yeah I flirt when I am bartending...because I'm trying to get tips from these cheap azz muthafuccas!  Don't you get it!  It's A JOB!  Not a fuggin' d*ck buffet.  All that's on the menu there is a bunch of low functioning-low ambition-never eating vegetables-no credit having-three baby having dudes.  I can find a dude like that any damn where, so WHY THE FLUCK would I choose one from where I work.  Yeah I know.  I got this one from there, but never again.

So after alla that texting back and forth, I sent him a text saying that it was over.

"Wow, just because I asked you a question?"

Yep!  And also because you're a repeat offender too.  This is the second time he has tried to come at me with some stuff he heard, and I am not down with having to explain what I do when I am not around you Mister Man.  And I don't justify or acknowledge "Tales from the Hood" and other ghetto gossip either.  I ain't got time for jealous acting d*ck roster candidates.  I don't do well with those type of guys AT ALL. 

So it's done.  Too bad.  He's actually a nice guy though.  But I think he might get hurt eventually with this 'open' relationship thing we got going.  I'm not surprised though.  Truth be told, most guys can't handle that.  Even if they got somebody else, and dealing with you too, they seem to not be able to handle the female kickin' it with anyone else but them.  Their egos won't allow it.

Cardinal Rule No.3 for a D*ck Roster Candidate:

If he starts catches feelings, pull back. 
Especially if you know he really ain't boyfriend potential anwyay. 
Just find you another one.  It'll much easier - for both of you.

What a waste.  He was actually kind of cool to be around, but it's gettin' too heavy.

So off to The Friend Zone he goes!