Friday, December 31, 2010

It Must Be Something In The Water

I tried my hardest not to make this post.  I really did. 

But I have conducted enough research, had enough conversations, and have had a few dates to be able to confidently make this conclusion:


The town is full of them.  I'm telling you it must be something in the water because the town is crawling with them.

I say this because:

Most can't make a f*ckin' decision or conduct research on a subject to save their f*cking lives.  

If we go somewhere simple like PF Chang's or The Cheesecake Factory they stare at the menu with dumb looks on their faces.  They are straight up baffled when it comes to making a selection!  I always end up having to suggest something for them.  One dude told me he never even tasted broccoli and he will be 40 in two months.  He shouldn't have even told me that - skrait up. I swear it's like having an overgrown toddler with me that has a goatee and pubic hair.

So helpless too.  "I don't know how to do that" is their favorite damn phrase.  Can barely use the internet or research how to do things.  Credit all f*cked up over $300 they didn't pay on some bullshyt azz cell phone they had from 2001.

They send you text messages like "Wut did u say?", "I didn't say dat", and "How you doin bb". And these are men OVER 35!!!!!!

Oh and did I mention cheap?  Broke azz muthafuccas won't tip or don't understand how much is to be given when you get the bill.  You'd be lucky if they laid down $5.00 on a $80.00 bill.

I mean some are nice, and could have potential to be a good man.  But then I am reminded of what my friend Kim always says, "Potential is for seventeen year olds."  At this age, you either got it or you don't.

I tell you, Jersey City is swarming with these men.  They are everywhere you look.  At the grocery store, the gym, the gas station.  Everywhere!  It's an epidemic!  THERE HAS GOT TO BE SOMETHING IN THE WATER.

If I didn't learn anything in 2010, that's one thing that I learned....that Jersey City has waayyy too many lames for the single female population.  I feel bad for my sistas there.  Thank goodness that I only bartend there and live in another town. 

I will NOT even entertain a Black man from Jersey City again. 
I have had it with the saggin pants, cornrows, and baseball caps.  I'm done.

The fact that some of them are even breathing and using up good air needs to be investigated.  For real.

I wish there was some type of hotline that I could call to have their azzes picked up.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Is It Wrong...

  • Is it wrong for me to look at somebody's kid and say in my head that he or she is kinda strange looking and not cute? 
  • Is it wrong for me to say that my cousin's son looks like a Tweety Bird?

    Big forehead.  Big ol' eyes.  Wispy strands of hair on his head.  That's him allright.
  • Is it wrong for me to say that my cousin's other son looks like a rat in the face and that he has a huge damn head?
  • Is it wrong for me to say that my other cousin is a bougeoise rich brat and that I don't care if we ever talk again?
  • Is it wrong for me to say that I really don't give a f*ck about the "We're family" philosophy and that I don't have to like you because we are family?
  • Is it wrong for me to see kids running in places where they shouldn't be and wish they would fall and bust their azz so they can sit down somewhere?
  • Is it wrong me for me to wonder how the hell you are allowed to bartend with rotten azz teeth in your mouth?  Yep, this was my co-worker at this other bar I worked at for a minute.  Would you wanna a drink from someone looking like this?

It was a low budget bar and needless to say I am not there anymore.

  • Is it wrong of me to fan my hands in the air when those Chinese chicks sit next to me and release their stanking breath in the air?
  • Is it wrong of me to be in the locker room at the gym and look at someone and think "Damn her body is f*cked up"?  (Hell, is it wrong for somebody to look at me in the locker room and say the same thing?"  LOL)
  • Is it wrong of me to dump you if your d*ck is kinda small?
  • Is it wrong of me to dump you if I don't like the way you f*ck?  Why waste each other's time?
  • Is it wrong of me to see a guy walk by and imagine them naked and think the word "Yeesh"?  Especially those dudes with those high,wide boodies.  They are the worst!
  • Is it wrong of me to have called the state on the other bar I was working at when the owner didn't admit that she owed me $40?
  • Is it wrong of me to have called the Department of Labor on a former employee when I saw her azz working in a bootleg CD store and she was still getting unemployment checks from me?

  • Is it wrong of me to have told Pretty Brown that I wanted to sit on his d*ck right at midnight on NYE (along with some other things)? I know, I know.  I shouldn't have done that.  Not gonna happen anyway. 
  • Is it wrong that I let Cornrows eat the box and I don't even like his azz...especially his hair?  His face ain't bad though.  Hell he kept asking...(shrugs shoulders) and I was in a drought.  It wasn't bad.  I give him an 8.  I was there 15 minutes and left cuz I had to go to work.  Now that's how you work that shyt!  Bounce just like they azzes do.  I doubt if I do it again though.  We'll see.  The toy is cool enough for me.
These are just some thoughts that I had as I get ready for the New Year.  I was just reflecting a little bit.  My moms is always telling me that I am wrong about this or that so I'll just put myself on blast this time.

I wanna go out New Year's Eve.  I wanna go out because I have these new pants and I want to wear them.  It's the day before and I still don't know what I'm doing.  I'll be mad if I don't go out.  The clock is ticking. 
My co-worker at the bar called me Christmas Day asking why I was all 'booed up' with her man.  WTF?  I didn't know he was your man and who in the hell told you that?  I wasn't hardly booed up with that nucca is what I told her.  His azz was on me!  Wasn't you the one who told me not to f*ck anybody in that bar anyways?  But here you go dealing with someone in the bar yo' damn self.  Gurl bye. 

In the subway this chick had dryer sheets sticking out of her gym shoes like ruffles.  Had nothing on her legs in 20 degree weather looking like Little Orphan Annie.  I had to giggle when I walked by her.   I bet she thought that crazy shyt was hott too.

You what's up girl, ain't gotta ask it

I dead em all now, I buy the caskets
They should arrest you or whoever dressed you
Ain't gon stress you, but ima let you know

Girl you be killin em
You be killin em
Girl you be killin em
You be killin em

Yeah she was DEFINITELY killing something with those dryer sheets.  I know it be stinking in the subway sometimes but did she have to take it that far?  It was almost as crazy looking as this big giant azz dog I saw with shoes on all four of his feet one night.  Too funny.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Top Ten Worst Songs of All Time

There's no real rhyme or reason why I decided to make this song post.  I am supposed to be working but don't feel like it at the moment. Since I am forced to listen to the radio all day, what they play has inspired this post today.  I hate these songs.  Some people love them but I hate them. 

10.  "Da Butt" - EU
9.    "This Is How We Do It" - Montell Jordan
8.    "How Did You Get Here" - Deborah Cox
7.    "Treat 'em Right" - Chubb Rock (they always play this shyt at old school parties)
6.    "Don't Make Me Over" - Sybil
5.    "No, No, No" - Destiny's Child
4.    "Deja Vu" - Beyonce
3.    Anything Nicki Minaj.  Like her story, hate her music.
2.   "Strokin" - Ugh.  And this crazy chick sings this every week at karoake when I'm bartending.  I just wanna choke her!!!!
1.   "Just Got Paid" - Johnny Kemp (Used to like it in 19-f*ckn-88 but they play this shyt everyday in NYC like it just came out.  And on top of that Johnny Kemp is oogly.)

BONUS TRACKS (just added):
"Can't Touch This" - MC Hammer
Keri Hilson anything
Soulja Boy anything
"Last Chance To Love You" - Ginuwine (that Barack Obama part makes me ILL)
"Are You That Somebody" - Aaliyah.  Sorry.  Sweet as Aaliyah was that damn baby saying "waa-aa" on the track gets on my damn nerves!  I don't get why that baby sound is even on the song in the first damn place, and I always focus on it.  It drives me up the damn wall.

Yeah a lot of these are old, but they are still in pretty heavy rotation on the R&B stations.  I'm sure that I could probably add many more to the list too.  Out of all the songs that people put out they play the same shyt on the radio.  Why do they torture me so???

As empty as the subject in this post is, it actually made me feel like I just smoked a blunt.   Sometimes when you get shyt off your chest you just feel HIGH.

Friday, December 10, 2010

"This Ho Got Problems"

I happened to Google my blog and found this forum where someone had linked my blog.  It was kinda shocking to read how they were roasting my azz on that Ten Confessions blog that I posted:

"Typical black female."
"She need help."

But I thought that the statement,"This ho got problems" was straight hilarious!  I had to laugh at that one.  Um, who doesn't?

When I first saw the forum my heart was in my throat, but hey, it is what it is.  No one likes to get talked about but when you put your personal shyt out there people will have their say.  I would be a fool to think everyone will cosign how I live my life.  So if I'm a hoe then I am a brave hoe that's for sure.  I'll take the good with the bad.


The double standard is alive and well in America.  Dudes can brag about what they do but a female can't talk about herself?  That's why I guess my shyt is so intriguing and is worth reposting I guess.  You never know what the f*ck people do in their lives - people just don't say it.  Dudes are down low gay, metrosexual, still feel some type of way because some girl broke their heart, f*ck around on their girlfriends and their wives, lie and everything else but alla that is cool.  I blog about a lot of different shyt on here and I don't write to get high fives and for 'do you girl' comments.  I blog because I feel like it.  I like to write.  The blog could be private but it's not.  I ain't making no one read this.  You choose to read it.  You choose to take time to read here and then go back, login at another site, and then comment it.  You only know what I write here, so run with it homies.  The girl or wife you're with could be or may have been the person that you try to make me out to be.  You probably would never really know would you?  Would she tell you?  Probably not.  Or your mom, sister, cousin, coworker, boss.  What about those freaky pictures you took together huh bruh?  You think that's the first time she did that with a dude?  Nah, of course not!  You're the first!  So do you really know?  Apparently it's probably better if you didn't based on the comments in that forum because your egos couldn't handle it.  Maybe you don't care?  Ding, ding, ding!  Exactly!  You're just worried about what she does with you to make it easier on YOURSELF and your state of mind.  Yeah, I know and I do understand.  This blog could all be fact.  It could all be fiction.  It could be part fact, part fiction.  Shock value.  Embellished.  I could be talking about one dude or ten dudes here.  It's funny...all very funny.  Eat it up.  If I talk about small dick or a wide boodie or a big gut that is no diff than a dude saying they like a 'redbone' or big boobs or a big azz or a big girl or a skinny chick.  But I'm wrong  for saying what I say?  Liking what I like?  Whew.  Hilarious.  Age and life experience will change that mentality both men and women.  Hold your applause please.  I know what I said was friggin' great! 

(takes bow)

I also look at this way, I guess what I wrote was interesting enough to get posted on another forum for commentary so I'll take that as a COMPLIMENT!!!   That explains why I got so many hits on the blog the weekend after Thanksgiving.  It was crazeeee.  They were quoting me and obviously read a few tidbits so that's aiight with me.  No new followers but that's aiight.  I'm still feelin' groovy and brave - so brave that I will share the forum ABOUT ME with the few folks that trip by here. 

 (ahh I removed the link when the year started...moving on)

"And my attitude's so chill and so breezy.
In my designer suit own little way I make this look easy.
Sexy baby, don't you dare act like you don't see feel me.
Baby I know you see feel me."


Ok so one of the posters CAME BACK and sent me a really nice, heartfelt response  (see below).  Hi Don of All Dons from projectcovo!!!!   He wrote, "She found out we were talking about her!"

I'm a savvy hoe aren't I?

Then he reposted my blog on the forum this morning.  I guess he wants to keep this going?  Why I don't know.  I guess it will be more of the same type of 'ish'.  This is my blog and I can talk about what I want.  Like it; love it; hate it.  I can't control how anyone feels.
I mean really.

(throws hands up)

Wooooww!  This is getting interesting.  Mad people coming over here from there today.  Anyway.   I have other posts to make so this one is gonna have to take a backseat.  Got a prop to get some cunnilingus before I go bartend tonight.  Hmmm...still deciding if I'll take him up on that offer.  Don't think I'll be able to squeeze that in because I have to meet someone about renting a new space to reopen my business.  But if I do make it over there, I might even write about it on this damn blog.  Or I might not. We shall see.

"My neck,
my back,
my 'uh' ,
yeah like that.
Lick it now,
Lick it good..."

This gets no more energy from me.  Keep reading.  Keep criticizing.  Pick excerpts and repost it all you want.  You only know what I write here and the way I write it.  Thanks for all the new traffic to the blog suga.  That will be my positive position on alla this.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Day #439: How Do They Know??

*sucking teeth*

Just when I was about to cross into the "Land Of I Don't Give A F*ck About You No Mo''",

Pretty Brown sends me some texts:

"I miss you soooo much" (with about six Os in the word "so")
"I think about you all the time"
"I know I shouldn't be texting you but..."
"I truly miss you"
"I should have called..."


I was there. I was right there. I had traveled the yellow brick road and passed the City of Sadness, The Borough of Regret, and strolled down streets like "You're A Dumb Ass Way" and "You Got Played Boulevard." But I was making a serious breakthrough.  The cloud had lifted. 

I was just about to click my heels, make my wish, and lay his azz to rest.


But then...he appeared.  

Messing with my head all over again.

(Stop looking at me like that Billy Pretty Brown!!!)

DAMN!!! (oh I already said that)


(If I write the whole word I'll have all types of freaky muthafuccas hittin' this blog.  More than I already do.  They already come here enough from Googling 'ass' and 'blow job' as it is.)

Just when you are on the brink of getting over somebody, how do they know when the precise moment is to come sliding back?  It really is a phenomenon.

I told the therapist about it two days later. She’s funny. She said that men seem to sense when you’re about to be over their azzes, and they know exactly when to call or text. She said it’s like a three or four week thing, because by that time they figure if you were mad you probably won’t be anymore.

"They just know", she said.

Like they know when to stop calling after they figure out you diggin’ them.

Like they know when to start acking up when it’s close to your birthday or a holiday.

Like they know to keep you on a text only basis because it’s easy to control shyt that way.
Like they know how to get out of your crib after sexing you with some crazy story about they momma need cornmeal to fry her fish and she ain't got no one to get it for her.

They just know.

Anyway it’s just words.  Words.  Words. 

Words with no actions behind them.
And I ain’t falling for that shyt again.

I like him, but I like myself more.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Catching Fish & "Just Because Your Face Is Wet..."


Just finished watching some porn while using the toy again.  Now it's time to write a lil something I guess cuz a sista is feelin' kinda relaxed.  I really need to get a new toy though.  The paint is coming off of this one. 

It's been an interesting week.  I bartended the other night and I wore these studded black leggings to work in. 

Something like these with a different design.  I'm telling you, get a pair of these joints and men will be buzzing around you like monkeys.
I swear these leggings had superpowers because dudes was coming at me left and right and it was crazy.  The studs on them were like little men magnets.  Short ones, toothless ones, chocolate ones, yellow ones.  Old ones, young ones - from 26 to 66.  And I was jugglin' all of them muthafuccas like a pro too.  I had one dude texting me, and one on each end of the bar trying to holla.  Grandpa told me he loved me on his way out.  Toothless was smiling at me like he thought he had a chance.  Yeah right.  Plus I was mixing drinks and singing karaoke along with the customers.  I was handling my bizness!

I even remembered some names this time:

Snaggle Tooth (didn't get his name)
Fred Sanford
Chris the Clown

I was like damn.  Those leggings I wore was catching a lot of fish that night, and that would have been cool if I had come there for that purpose.  I wanted tips, not fish.  Especially not fish that look like they work at the warehouse or car wash. 


They are like vultures sometimes.  No muthafucca you can't call me.  No I don't wanna go out.  No I don't want any breakfast at 1:30 in the morning.  Some new shoes?  Now you're talking.  But thank you for the compliments...yawn.  Some of them get it, and some of them don't.  I just go ahead and smile and act flattered by the bullshyt they spit anyway.  I gotta be nice.  But by the end of the night, all of those fish I had thrown back in the water.  Puhleeze.  Don't you know I just want your money you dumb azzes?  I have an idea though.  Sometimes dudes ask me if I want a drink and I say no.  And believe me I turn down a lot of drinks.  But next time...I'm gonna say yes and just take the money for myself. 

"Keep your drink just gimme the money,
It's you and your hand tonight!"

One of those fish, Mr. Cornrows, has been trying to holla for a while though.  He ain't bad looking but his cornrows are like an electric damn force field to me.   I ain't coming near you with that hairdo sir.  How are you 39 years old and wearing cornrows and Jay Z t-shirt.  WTF?   I don't think I have EVER dated anyone with cornrows in my life, and I don't plan to start now.  Even Ludacris and Jaheim cut their damn hair at some point.  Come on son.  That cornrow shyt is played once you get a certain age.

I gotta admit tough, my booty was looking pretty good in those leggings if I do say so myself.  And I usually don't brag on myself but I am today.  Doing squats is like money honey!  When I get out of the shower sometimes I turn and look and admire it.  No cellulite, no dimples, or marks.  I hit that gym five days a week and in the azz department it's definitely paying off. 
Went to a comedy show in the hood the next day, and I heard the funniest shyt from the sistas that performed:"

"Just because your face is wet don't mean that you're doing a good job."

Amen to that!  She said when eating coochie, the fellas should think of how cats lick their water.  They just stay in the same spot and lick and suck fast.   Just keep yo' face in the same spot, and make sure that tongue doesn't move.  No need to go all around the coochie and get your face wet for no damn reason.  IT DOES NOTHING!  Stay near the top and you'll be just fine. 

"If you like the way I suck your d*ck that's cool, but don't be bragging on me to your friends about that shyt.  Brag about that pound cake I baked last week dammit.

I know that's right. Even though I took a blow job class a few months ago, I don't wanna be KNOWN for d*ck sucking.  I was sitting at the table and it seemed like everyone was laughing except for one of my girlfriends.  Haha.  I remember her saying once, "I told that nigga that I don't suck d*ck but we all know that's a fuggin lie!"  And she was high fiving her girls like she was proud of her d*ck sucking rep or something?  But she was quiet as hell after the comedian said that shyt.  Mighty quiet.   

Then this dude comes up and says,

"If you have a hairy p*ssy in 2010 you need to be kicked in yo' azz!"

And he repeated that like three times. 

'If you still have a hairy p*ssy in 2010 you need to be kicked in yo' azz!" 

My friend hollered, "Men too!  Men too!"  I laughed nervously, and then I asked myself, "Is my coochie too hairy?"  The next day I looked in the mirror and checked it out.  I guess it could use a little trim.  LOL.  I'll handle that this weekend.  I got a coupon for a free Brazillan wax so I might try that.  I think some guys like hairy coochies though...
Married dude called me, but I didn't answer.  I'm proud of myself too.  I'm not here for your entertainment mothafucca, because you sure aren't entertaining me.  My man cums in like 30 seconds or less.  No lie.  Of course I would like to think my coochie is so wonderful that a man would come in less than a minute, and although I have been told before that it's pretty good, I don't think it's THAT damn good that a man would squeeze off quicker than a cat could run across the street.  Isn't that ridiculous?  So I'm just gonna keep watching my porn and playing with my toy a few times a day.  I was thinking about taking the toy and try using it when I drive.  Only at a red light though.  That'll be one helluva show for my fellow drivers now wouldn't it??? 

"Nasty girl,
Nasty girl,
Do you think I'm a nasty girl?"

Yes.  I.  am.
And can I say that I feel like I won a Blogger Oscar Award cuz NC17 over at Black Girls Are Easy put me on his blog roll!  He has the hottest blog and has mad followers so a sista was beaming when she saw that today.  I'm definitely honored.  Thank ya NC17!  That made a sista smile...