Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My First Dumb Azz Comment

Got my first dumb comment after 272 days of posting.  Well I guess that's pretty good  right??

At first I made a blog post about it, but I have now decided to post it in the comments section of the post below because that's where it belongs. If I gave the comment too much energy then so what dammit. If it made me feel betta then that's energy well spent.

On a good note, I went to look for some cougar clubs here in the city.  Found one but it was a BBW Cougars of Color Club. Yep, and on their site they broke that shyt down too.  You have to be a size 16 to be in it for a female,  and the dudes can be any size.  Now ain't that some shyt right there? What is this?  A size 9/10 cougar can't get no love? (Oooh, that's brave of me to put my size up on here.) How are we gonna make it if cougars are discriminating against each other? United we stand, divided we don't get that young meat.  You know what though?  The more I think about it, the more this BBW cougar club sounds like they are kinda stingy.  I mean why we can't share the prospective boy toys?  Why are y'all trying to keep the young cubs for yourselves?  People are so damn guh-reedy I swear!


There was another one that I 'applied' for that I hope I meet the qualifications, and I am eagerly awaiting my acceptance.  You had to write a little statement about yourself and all that.  They weren't playing with the questions either.  "Why do you think you should be in our group."  "What do you like about younger men?"  So I will see what happens.  It sounds very interesting.

Now if I can find me a club with rich men who like chocolate cougars I would be straight! Or just rich men who like chocolate period.  That would be even betta.

Hmmm, this is New York so if I dig a little bit I just might get lucky?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day #271: Trying To Get Motivated write. 

Feeling a little mixed up lately ya know? 

I think once I get this message out to those attorneys that I want my money then I can go back to my old writing self.  I told my chicken shyt co-worker who referred me to them to at least call them and tell them that he won't be referring anyone else to them.  He's hesitating but I'm gonna be on his azz about it anyway.  The call may not change anything with the attorney but at least it will make me feel better.

Oh before I go let me talk about Jean Claude Van Damn He's Nasty.  He was just aiight (well a little better than aiight),  but I don't think he and I would get along honestly.  He acts like he is working for the CIA or some shyt and he won't say nothing about himself.  Big turn off.  Everything is  'I don't wanna talk about it" or "I don't wanna discuss that."  I should have said well just pull your d*ck out then and don't say sh*t cuz u f*ckin' with my damn mood!!!  Ugh!!  He was supposed to be taking my mind off things but all he did was annoy me with his ways.  Boy bye.

I called somebody from though.  His user name is husky*** something.  Oh lawd.  That name probably says it all.  And why is it that everyone who winks at me on is over 40?  Some are even 50.  White dudes too. I can't be in the cougar club with that kind of action.   Mmmm....I wonder are they really serious to be trying to wink at me though.  You would think nobody wanted a chocolate girl based on the shyt I read on mediatakeout sometimes.  I guess the white men will take us?  Or are they trying to live out a fantasy?  I wonder. 

Anyway, I'll come back.  My mind ain't right today.  So many things I wanna say but I guess I just don't feel like saying it right now!  :-)  I'm trying to formulate my post about the blow job class so I can get that off my list.  Why am I procrastinating?  If Jean Claude Van Damn He's Nasty had acted right I would have practiced on him a little bit, but he talked himself right outta that real fast.

Oh well.
From my phone:

Filipino dude is not attractive to me. Period.

Monday, June 21, 2010

"Jean Claude van Damn He's Nasty"

... is in town.  Haitian born and with a Pepe LePew French accent.  Too bad he doesn't know how to talk dirty.  What a waste...:-)

He can help me get my mind off things.  Works for the border patrol and swears he's a bad azz, but he's nice.  Not quite cougar bait (he's 31) and he's not the cutest but he's aiight.  I ain't gotta really look at him anyway though right?  LOL.  I know that's bad but I'm just being honest.  Shyt guys don't look at female's faces most times and just stare at their bodies, so why can't I?  He has that something that I like and he works it VERY well.   Right now, that's enough for me.  I've been through a lot lately so I'll be lenient on my store policy on his cutie pie requirements.
So what's next?  I gotta get out my potions and toys so they are at the ready.  Just basic stuff that I bought at one of those sex parties.  I did list them here at first but I don't need to tell EVERYTHING!

Stress relief is what I need and he is exactly the one who can do it tonight.  Not gonna get all worked up about it though and keep my cool.  Sometimes you build things up in your mind and then it when jumps off you're saying things like, "Aw, that wasn't shyt" or "Man, that was a total waste of time."  It does happen every once in a while.


I participated in my second Elevator Pitch Competition this past weekend.  I didn't win (AGAIN) but the young lady did a good job or presenting her biz.  I made a couple of hot connections and I emailed them the next day.  I have to push hard.  My mind is still not right from what happened last week at the court and I really didn't prepare like I should have.  It's okay though.  I like this chick that I met and I like her energy.  I need people like that around me...movers and shakers.  The clock is ticking and I don't have time to waste.

On Friday I went to the therapist for an emergency session after the court thing and just started crying.  They just sit there and watch you cry too.  LOL.  I told her what happened with the attorneys and she said something very interesting.  She said that at times we have people that are treating us badly, and we hang on to them because we want to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope that they will change.  She said these people have already tried shytting on you and have been successful at it, and once they start the likelihood that they will stop is low if you don't shut it down in the early stages.  So when you don't shut it down, by the time you finally get tired of the person it is too damn late and the person has already f*cked you up royally.  Then you are sitting in her office hurt and crying.  The point she was trying to make was that if you are not comfortable with a situation or a person (even in a business transacation), recognize it for what it is and shut the madness down and walk away.  She said that our human nature is that we want to give people chances, but what for?  If you are getting bad service from someone then leave them be!  If you keep asking someone to give you something , like I was when I kept asking for my bills from my attorney, then don't pay them another dime until you get what you want.  There has to be a more immediate action that you take when questions and doubt appear in your mind about what someone is doing to you.

The bottom line is:  Why in the hell would you expect someone to change when they have constantly been doing the shyt to you?  Why would you give these people the benefit of the doubt? What do you gain from doing that?  A warm fuzzy feeling?  F*ck a warm fuzzy feeling my therapist said (well in so many words she said that.  She ain't that gangsta.)

The therapist says it is f*cked up to think this way about people, but you have to protect yourself.  That's all that matters.  Sad to say that my trust in people has greatly diminished, and will be even worse for those people who I am paying.  For these type of people, my zero tolerance policy will be in full effect.  And I may be considered a bytch or have BGA (Black Girl Attitude) like another blogger defines it, but I gotta protect myself.  I don't want to be sitting in the therapist's office crying no mo' over shyt that I could have prevented.

I'm going back to her today cuz I'm still buggin a little bit.  I do feel better.  I already starting icing folks though.  Like Mr. Sharpie with the high pitched voice and the little d*ck. 

I finally told him this weekend,

"Kofi, pleeeeaassse find you someone else to like.  You really need to find somebody else." 
"But I love you! You don't love me?"
"Arrgggh!  No I don't and I have BEEN telling you that.  It's never gonna happen.  You deserve to have someone that likes you back.  That's what you should try to do."
"I'm coming to your house."
"For what Kofi?  I don't like you like that and this madness just needs to stop.  For real.  This is getting ridiculous."


He mumbled something else but I didn't hear it.  Then he hung up.

Well I had to be honest right?  He wasn't picking up the cues so I just had to make it simple and plain.  I had to do it.  Sad thing though is that his azz will probably call back in a few months.  I really wish he would find him a girl that likes him with the same intensity that he puts out. 

It ain't over between me and that lawyer though.  I'm cooking up a plan and doing my research.  Meanwhile I guess my attitude will be like the chick below.  Of course I will keep it classy, but if I'm paying yo' ass and you ain't doin' shyt right, F*CK YOU and GOODBYE..

and that's that!

African American Profile Graphics

Profile Graphics -

(Doesn't her hand seem a lil' huge in this pic though?)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Day After...

So about that post from yesterday.
The court case is over...and no, I AM NOT HAPPY OR RELIEVED.

The other side came up with a higher amount, but I wasn't thinking and f*cked myself on the negotiation on fees with my devil attorney.  The attorney did nothing on my case and I knew that for a long time.  With the bankruptcy coming up for me last year I had no money to retain a new attorney.  So I stuck with their lame asses.  I had no choice.

Anyway, it is too much to go into but I should have taken my ass to trial!!!  We would have selected a jury so that might have given me a little better outcome.  I just didn't trust who was defending me, but we did negotiate an additional $5000 on my claim.  My attorneys claimed that I owed them $17800 (lies) and that I had already paid $10K.  I know that there was no f*ckn way that I ran up a $28000 defending this shyt.  Bullshyt.  Strait bullshyt.  They were just trying to scare me into taking the bullshyt settlement that was on the table at the time.  When they saw that I wasn't falling for it, they sweetened the deal in order to entice me not to go to trial.  He comes back days later and says that he will 'wipe' out the $17800 that I owe him and he would take half of my settlement.  Red light.  Red light.  See, that tells you right there that those charges were not right.  Who would give up that much money if you owed it to them?

Anyway, to make a long story short, I split the settlement once it went higher and walked away because those guys weren't gonna defend my shyt right.  I needed to get away from them, but was it worth letting them take half though?

But for some reason I am not cool with that logic.  I am just not.  I wanted to go forward and go to trial.  That's what I felt most compelled to do.  But of course that costs money, and I already paid those incompetent mothafuccas more than they deserved.  It had to stop right????  I'm thinking that what I should have done was...

ahhh f*ck it!!!!!

I'm not gonna even say it and it doesn't even matter.  I know me though.  I'm gonna rewind this in my head all day because I made a mistake with my deal with these devils.  I'm kicking myself right now.  I really am.

Will the Diary of a Broke Ass Woman ever end? I honestly thought it would with the court case.

What I got is NOT ENOUGH to get started again with my business.  That's what's wrong with all of this.  I can't do shyt with that change I got yesterday.  Except.....


So while I come up with another plan I'm thinking about leaving here?  Since being here I have:

-Gotten laid off

-Been robbed at gunpoint and had over $20K stolen from me

-Got into almost $90K in business and personal debt

-Had someone put peanuts in one car

-Had someone scratch up and take a marker and write all over my new 2010 car

-Had problems with my old landlord

-Hated where I moved to because the people were making too much noise

-Got screwed when I tried to move my business

-Got screwed by my attorneys

-Lost my business

-Filed bankruptcy

And that's just what I can remember right now.  I'm sure there is more that I can add to the list.

Soooooo....what the hell am I gonna do now?  Why stay in the NYC area if I am just gonna work a regular job?  I can go back to the midwest and live a little cheaper and be closer to the family.  Moms is getting older ya know. 

I want to do something more than just work a job because unfortunately I just feel like life can be simply just about that.  Is that why we have children so that they can grow up to pay bills like we're doing?   Do you say,

"Oh I want to have a child because so when they grow up they can be a slave to a job and bills!  I mean I hope that they won't and be famous, rich, and smart, but most likely that won't happen .  But I don't care, I'll bring them here anyway!  Hell I'm only on the hook until they are 18 right?  That's when I can tell them they gotta get their ass out and live their life because I did my job raising them." 

I'm exaggerating, but isn't that what happens more or less?  When I see the old ladies on the bus everyday I ask myself is that gonna be me?  Old and sitting on the bus talking too much with a hairdo from whatever year I was last considered a (PYT) pretty young thang?  You know how old ladies get stuck in time with their hair style.  In court I saw a lady with a Jheri curl and barely walking, but she had on her work uniform.  Barely moving but still gotta get up and go to work.  Shudders.  You should see the HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of people I see in the subway hastily walking with wide, frantic eyes trying to get to work in the mornings like scared mice.  It really is a scene if you are paying attention to it.

Anyhow I'm getting off track with this post.  The point is that it seems that the older I get, the more shyt happens to me, and the more I get shyt on.  I am not getting better with age and I don't know how much more I can take.

Filipino dude wants to go out again.  I probably will.  I was thinking that I am gonna relight my account for one last month too.
Oooh, I have to post that information that I learned at the blow job class the other day.  That would suck if I forgot it all wouldn't it?  Lol.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Today is the big day. My lawsuit against the landlord who f*cked me up and caused me to lose my business is today.

I'm at the courthouse and the attorneys are bickering at my left. I can't listen. I can't. My heart is beating fast. I hate them all including my own attorney. They bullshitted until the last minute and they are pushing me to take this crap settlement.  I will have to compromise if the judge says that I don't have a consumer fraud case.  I'm getting a headache and I rarely get headaches.  Feeling dizzy. 

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

BJ Class or Not???

I keep going back and forth about signing up for this BJ (blow job) class.  Why? 

Because the shyt costs $48!!!!  I mean who is the instructor?  How experienced is she (or he)?  Will they have references and testimonials for us to read?  Videos to watch?  How do I know if they know what they are doing themselves?  I have questions!!!!

(pounds fist on table)

So what am I sacrificing if I go....
  • I would have to wait on the shoes I have on my Wish List at Zappos (ok I can do that).
  • Or not buy lottery tickets for two weeks (now that'll be hard).
  • Or not buy a new hairdo (I have a fresh one not even opened yet so I'm good).
  • And no restaurant reward for hitting the gym all week.  That means cancelling my two piece spicy white with mashed potatoes and an extra biscuit from Popeyes (as long as I don't walk by there and see the pictures on the window I MIGHT be able to pull that off.)
So I'm thinking and thinking.  The class has definitely got me interested.  I might post part of the class description later??  I'm sure it will be fun, but I can have fun other ways for less than $50 right?  I keep going to the website and filling in the info and then I keep cancelling the transaction.  I am not only broke azz woman but a cheap azz one too I guess.  I'll decide tonight.  I'm leaning towards the "No" side strictly because of the price.

We will see...

UPDATE:  Ok I emailed the promoter today and they said that the course is being taught by a man.  He has a Masters in Human Sexuality from NYU and has worked for several 'sex positive groups'.  What's a sex positive group?  Blank stare.  Anyway, they gave me a discount code that shaves off $10.  Hmmm....
In the meantime, Filipino dude wants to go out tonite.  I said yes.  I wonder what in the world he is gonna be asking me/confessing to me this time.  I'm expecting that he will want to have some 'You and Me' convos since he has confessed his admiration for me. 

Oh boy. 

But wait, you know it may not be so bad though.  Maybe he will put a few more of his cards on the table, and I might be able to tell where he is really coming from tonight. 
Trust no one.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I Didn't Mean To Turn You On...

Ring the alarm!!!

"You know I wouldn't be taking you out if I wasn't kinda interested in you right?"

Filipino dude put his cards on the table last night when he was walking me to the subway.  Oh shyt.  Ok WTF happened?

Been thinking about it all day.  Was it silly of me to think that we were just 'hanging out"? 
I tried to even things out and offered to pick up the tab sometimes, but he wouldn't let me.  That has always worked for me in the past, but not with him.  So that kept turning into him taking ME out all the time.  Damn.  I knew he was feeling me a little, so it wasn't like I didn't see the train coming.  I think it all started when I kissed him on the cheek one time after going out for lunch.

But he's actually pretty cool.  He has a little flava about himself, and he always had a plan. He took me to this funky art gallery:

At the gallery, they had real taxi inside a Matchbox package.

and to this boardwalk garden place, 

View while walking around.  Mad funny.  People in NYC are crazeee!

and to some snooty bar that overlooked the city where glasses of wine cost $18.00.  

This was the view from that expensive azz bar.

All in the same evening!  When I went to the bathroom at this place there was no wall on one side.  It was only a window that looked out on the city so people could see you taking a piss or a dump if they had binoculars.  Risky!!!!  There was a sheer curtain to cover the bottom half of the window though but only up to your mid-thigh --- but I was daring and left my curtain open.  Danced a little bit too with my dress pulled up and my panties showing.  Shyt, why not??  LOL.

Anyway, I dunno man.  He is nice.  I ain't trying to be in anything serious with him, but if I considered it my concern would be his d*ck action.  I can't deal with a little d*ck right now, and I don't care how many fly places you take me to. 
So I guess I'll spend some time this weekend doing some d*ck research on the internet because I don't want to ASSUME it's little because he is Filipino.  I meant to do some research on d*ck a while ago after blogging about that Sharpie marker Mr. Ghana had:(  

That shyt blew my f*ckin mind.  WTF happened to the Mandingo myth??  I think I'll post about that next?  I'm also thinking about signing up for this BJ class and see what's up with that.  I always wondered how in the world those chicks in those porno flicks make those guys cum so fast giving head.  I'm curious ya know?  It's all a part of Operation Sexy and being the best cougar that I can be.  Giggle.  There is always room for improvement!  The class description says that you get feedback from others and what not too???  I don't know what that means exactly but I'm game for it.  Sounds tasty?  Hahaha.  Nah I'm just buggin'.  I'm sure that there will be some bananas somewhere in the room.

Anyway, can we just be friends?  When I was getting on the train he was trying to move in for a kiss too.   Nuh uh.  I sat on the train and kinda sat in a daze. 

Should I check it out or should I not?  I don't even know why I'm trippin' on this anyway.  Am I thinking about this just because he is being really nice to me?    Probably so.
Man.  I didn't mean to turn you on. The question now is --- am I gonna try to turn you off?   Or keep going....

(I love the break dancing monkey in this video!  That was the shyt back in 1984!)

SIDE THOUGHT:  I'm getting discouraged about blogging at times.  I gotta remind myself that I blog for my own therapy and I can't sweat not getting followers or comments or when people come on and leave less than a minute.  I wasn't gonna even publicize this damn thing so what the f*ck am I tripping about anyways?  I'm not in a competition with other bloggers who are way wittier and funnier and get more followers!  That's not why you started this thing.  Ok girl?  You trip too goddamn much about every goddamn thing.  Keep going for yourself. 

Thanks to those who do read though. 

And a special thanks to those sistas who added me to their blog rolls!  It just makes me smile that I made their lists!