It's been a few weeks and I think I just might be checking out of this emotional rehab pretty soon. Yay!!! Been reading some powerful shyt from the play For Colored Girls (not the movie - the play), and it's actually helping me with my withdrawal.
"My love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face."
He was a drug. Morphine. Oxycontin. Each pelvic thrust he gave me was an injection of confusion mixed with desire into my body. His sweet words of "us" and "our future" had me skipping through poppy fields.
I was high on Pretty Brown. So very high.
My nose was open like Mario (that's a "Khaki-ism"). I was on Cloud Nine, with the operative word being "I". I thought he was on Cloud Nine with me, but his azz jumped off when I wasn't looking. I was there alone, and on my birthday that cloud disappeared right from under me. I came crashing down with my arms and legs flailing in wild confusion.
"You took me riding in a rocket and gave me a star,
But a half a mile from heaven you dropped me back into this cold, cold world."
Silly me. But oddly this past Thanksgiving I gave thanks for meeting him. I was thankful for feeling soooo good about a man, and that I thought that I met somebody so fine, so funny, so smart. So I'll take it for what it was - even if it was for only fifteen minutes. I won't be angry or bitter about it. What the fluck for? Even if he set me up with alla that sweet talk, I'm not gonna be mad this time.
So I did some house cleaning:
His number. Deleted.
His text messages. Deleted.
His d*ck pic. Deleted. (why was that so hard to do?)
His email address. Blocked.
His business card with his smiling pic on it. Burned.
Now if I could just delete him from my mind I would be straight! In time. Next time you can't let these dudes get in your head so fast chick.
"My love is too Saturday Nite to have thrown back on my face."
Today is Saturday. Been watching porn just so I can get another image of d*ck in my head instead of his. Using my toy and dildo like three times a day (or more) to release any pent up sexual tensions. I watched some porn while using the toy this morning. OMG. I told myself that I have hit rock bottom. Giggle. It ain't no biggie though. Men brag about beating off all the time so why can't I? It's better than having some fool over here wasting my time. Last week I had THE WORST sex with this guy so I'm steering clear of niccas this holiday. Not even answering the phone when they call. F*ck alla y'all.
Soooo tomorrow I'm gonna get my toes done and then maybe get a tattoo. My first one! Should I get the words "Sexy MF" on my lower back? A black cat? A cute cat? A scorpion? A butterfly? Still thinking. I will feel like such a bad azz when I get it!!! The pain I expect from the tattoo might just clear my head.
"My love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face."
I see the therapist Monday. Debating whether or not I should mention about this guy or the married guy. That married guy is done. Over, over, over. We have zero connection and his sex rates a solid minus 2. Hell his fingers felt better and I give those a 7. That's pretty bad when your fingers do a better job than your d*ck.
Anyway, I'll be cool. I have a great love to give and it's his loss. One day God will send me someone to give my love to (hopefully). But in the meantime...life and love goes on.
And that's OFFICIALLY the last post I'm making about Pretty Brown.
Chuck-chuckin' up them deuces!
Oops that doesn't mean deuces....
My bad.
Your new look is nice. Glad to see your not hatin on Black Men or are you - call me confused? Anyway's your right life does go on I just try to imagine how beautiful it will be when my time comes. I'm an optimist and can't help but feel there are some really great folks out there.
ReplyDelete-jb
Nah not hating. Each day gets better.
ReplyDeleteOK, first off, I'm pretty sure I won't have a job next week because of you... I've spent good stretches of time of the past few workdays reading your old posts...completely compelling. I think I'll echo jb and say you are revealing a reality that is just missing from 99.9% of the rest of the stuff on the net, so keep it up...
ReplyDeleteSecond, obviously, it hurts. But you should take some (small, I know) comfort in knowing that you still have the ability to feel like that. I have met a LOT of women that are so hardened by life, they couldn't let somebody in if they wanted to. That's no way to live in the long run...
One follow up question though... you emphasized "he set me up"... now I'm not saying all of the post-event reaching out (eg love you's, and 'us' talk) wasn't twisted, but do you really think he 'set you up' to knock you down?
~c
Hey c-
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my blog! Well u and me both might be fired because I'm always looking at others people's blogs too! So I know exactly what you mean. If you find my stuff interesting even a little bit then that means a lot. It really, really does!
It's crazy at work with this dumb party we're having tonight so I'm late responding. I am the one putting it together so....
The emphasis on the words 'set me up' was because of some stuff he told me. He told me how when he was younger girls weren't feelin him, so when he got 'fine' (lol) he would go on these quests and gas up girls just to see if he could pull them, then drop them. He said he did this in his 20s. He is 41 now. I wondered why he was telling me this and I asked him. He said that he was just telling me how he used to be, which I didn't find that unusual because we all have 'how I used to be' stories right?
So I made the set me up comment because maybe I was an experiment to him. Let me see if I can get her to fall for me then pull back? See this is what happens when you overthink things and you start coming up with these theories as to why a person chooses to pass on you.
So to answer your question, do I really think that he set me up to knock me down?
Hmmmm...
No. I don't know what to think about it anymore honestly. But I don't want to be hardened by the disappointments I have had in the past either so like I said I'll just chalk it up as ANOTHER experience.
Hope the party went well for you. Thats a good way to look at it, as experience... So the only question left is did you get the tatto and what of? ~c
ReplyDeleteThe party was good. Thanks for asking!
ReplyDeleteAs for the tattoo, I went to the place and dude told me to think about what I wanted more. So....I'm going tOday. The first one will be a black panther. I think! Lol